Witton Gilbert v Oxhill Central (North West Durham Cup 2nd round)
I can’t believe it’s not butter
By Singe
We got another away day in the North West Durham Cup and travelled over to Witton Gilbert. We actually have a little bit of history with Witton Gilbert from our time together when they were in The Consett League. The last day of the 2005/06 season we faced each other to decide who would win the 2nd division title with Witton coming out on top 2.0 after Colin Snailham got sent off for The Arch, the same season to rub salt in the wound Witton beat us in the final of Abbey Trophy as well. Revenge was gained the following year however when we did a league double over them before they left the league to join the Durham League. We had a bit of a mixed squad today with Cat Meat on a European tour giving out signed photographs of himself on the back of last week’s goal scoring success. Little Luke and Super Scotty Johnson are injured, Crabstick Coxy suspended Fisha AWOL and Bonzo Brown was still talking to himself in someone’s kitchen. We did welcome back Donnelly the South Moor Messi who’s out of his huff. Donnelly is doing a meat free diet and he went for a pre-match poo that stunk and made Singe sick. Singe also has his toes covered in blue nail varnish. Veteran Gav turned up wearing a dirty coat munching on a cold frankfurter sausage that stunk more than Donnelly’s poo. Liam Jägermeister has stopped listening to hard punk and likes soft opera and amazingly Elvis has grown a new finger. Hope he keeps away from the works vending machine in future. Someone said Schindler was going to come out of retirement today to help out but remembered he threw his boots away the last time he played so he went to church instead. Andy Clark the 80’s pop star hasn’t had a drink since mid-December and is looking a lot happier than when he was verging on the abyss of alcoholism a few months ago. The main talking point from this morning was Cat Meat’s big announcement that Dirty Dan Pervis was back from injury. This of course is totally untrue and another monumental Cat Meat lie. Dirty Dan is a billion years away from playing again and has never ever ever ever said he will be back playing. The word on the street is that Cat Meat filled in his signing on form himself. Sheep has some now beige/green football boots that are ribbed like a waffle and Rid from Stanley Over 40’s came to watch the game and Liam Jägermeister got proper cocky with him about his choice of wearing gloves to play football in. Liam is Stanley’s hardest man since he got tattooed. Rid then told us that Pigeon Bezz wears gloves because he doesn’t like getting mud in his fingernail. The referee blew his whistle (the loudest whistle I have ever heard) and the game got underway and we played out the most boring game that I’ve ever witnessed but came out 6.1 winners (will we ever keep a clean sheet?) Out goals came from Kei with 3 (his 23rd of the season), Gav with 2 and Donnelly the South Moor Messi with the other one. During the game the sun came out and Liam took off his gloves and Bezz didn’t. Bezz did get sinbined for catching the ball in mid game and swearing at the referee who told him off so we played the last 10 minutes with 10 men. After the game we went back to Witton Gilbert Club for a pint, but veteran Gav had to leave early as he needed to buy some butter for his mam to make mashed potatoes. Dangerous Davies has asked Elvis if he can be his ‘stato assistant’ and admitted that he once made IC the giant cry. Duffy 2 didn’t watch todays game as he was walking his dog and Liam Jägermeister refused to share the £1 mix up that Pee bought him. Veteran Gav eventually turned up at The Arch and said he’s had to leave home as his Mam has thrown him out for buying margarine instead of butter.
Some of the above are true made up stories.
-- Regards Singe
