Oxhill Central FC Vs Consett Top Club (League) Lewis Donnelly Today we were at home in the league for the 4th time already this season. The usual meet time of 930 was followed as greatly as ever seeing about 4 players turn up on time. Beanstalk Ben the scaffold pole had a McDonald’s breakfast but cancelled it out with a banana. No one was sure if Joe Gill is brill was attending today as he told half the team he was going to visit Bott in Magaluf and the other half he was playing. Little Luke wasn’t available while he still waited to become a dad, Gateshead Scott from Ouston and Bezzy still had the ankle flu, Clarky the 80s pop star had 2 pints last night so wouldn’t be fit to play and Sheep had headed to Japan to try and learn how to understand Manager Pounders Japanese rants. Donnelly the South Moor Messi was hoping to break all his Arch records today making 3 appearances in a row and playing more than 4 games over a season, he left us all waiting for that to happen as he came rolling in at 9:55 and then told us how he diverted his taxi on the way home last night to go and pick up his football gear ready for this morning, true dedication and the reason why today’s match report is named after him. Veteran Gav almost didn’t pass fit for the match after been butchered by the dentist leaving his mouth bleeding since Friday. Fisher and Bonzo both returned to action in a rare moment where they both managed to keep off the Saturday night session. The depleted squad seen CatMeat and Bean Stalk Ben the scaffold pole the only options off the bench and with Gateshead Dan from Dipton leaving at half time to help his mam cook the Sunday dinner, the attacking options were looking short. Out on the pitch we realised that both teams were wearing blue, this was the fault of CatMeat who had told the TopClub secretary at the league meeting we would be in red but then forgot what colour he had told him. It was also noticed that the pitch had not been invaded by pigeons ever since Bezzy got injured, raising the question is bezzy the man who’s behind the Saturday night pigeon orgy? The game kicked off and both teams were locked at 0-0 for 20mins with no real chances created. Gateshead Dan from Dipton the nicked 2 goals in 5 mins followed by Donnelly the South Moor Messi reacting well to a goalkeeping error to put us 3-0 up. Liam Jagermiester scored his first ever header which was cancelled out as VAR found Veteran Gavs varicose Veins offside. Donnelly then stepped up to take over penalty duties after Veteran Gav took a kick to his already fragile face but Donnelly fluffed his lines and we went into half time at 3-0. Knee slide Az decided to turn up at half time after “sleeping in” also forgetting his responsibilities for Singe’s Weekly Breakfast Treat. The whole of the Consett league were out watching today with Shola the Engine, Ex Celebrity Fan Joe Palmer, Flagpole and many others making the sidelines. Duffy1 has a limp which he said is caused by gout, Duffy 2 wore sun glasses even though it was cloudy and Stonka brown was sporting a new perm. The second half kicked off similar to the first with no team creating much for the opening 10 minutes. Kei then slipped in Dangerous Davies who took his goal talley to 6 in 6 with a smashing finish, an own goal claimed by Joe Gill is Brill followed by Dangerous Davis switching a majestic cross field ball to Veteran Gav who finished to make it 6-0. A consolation goal had the game finish 6-1. After the game Bonzo told us all how one of his teachers had a wooden breast, Manager Pounder slapped Veteran Gav on the bum with a plimsole, Noddy the cleverest man in Stanley though England were playing Togo in the Rugby and Bonzo rang his mam ask her to vote for him in selectors MoM but she just told him to get home and clean his bedroom. All the above are true stories. #UTA
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