It was a sunny day with temperatures hitting 25C+, so I'm sure Ikester lathered a whole bottle of SPF70 sunblock all over his head and face as per his usual M.O. The starting line up was: Mullens Belgian, Kettz, Bear, Ikes Kai, Howard, D.Cheung, Garrow Leo, Spenny The pitch was dry, so we knew it would be a day of weird bounces and scrappy play. We had a loyal travelling caravan of supporters ( ok, I mean the they happened to be in Happy Valley after a late lunch and a foot massage) of Vince in his gay-ass white Ray-bans with his sister, his twin Andre, Dessa + Bulldog, and the "girls" that trains Howard or trains with Howard, whatever the set-up.... The opposing team fielded a weird collective of characters, four or five normal looking amateur footie players, a few overweight frothing at the mouth Englishmen, two young tall German speaking kids, one fifteen year old, and one ugly mofo that would fit right in on the set of the Pirates of the Carribean. We won the toss so the opposition had to contend with the sun being in their eyes. Kick off and all hell broke loose with mistimed passes, panic clearances, Natalie Portman-ish black swan schizo bloodshot eye challenges and a lot of screaming from both sides. I likey. We honestly tried to pass the ball around, but the pitch condition along with the frantic pace would never really allow it. Turns out their two tall kids were actually pretty good, especially the one of the left who proved to be a constant threat. Our first chance came with Belgian taking a throw in to Spenny, who then did a loopy overhead lob-pass into the opposition's penalty box. The keeper let the ball bounce (bad decision) over his head, Howard and Kai saw the chance, rushed in, but just as the ball clipped the cross bar, both Kai and Howard somehow over ran the bounce and ended missing the chance to tap in. In the subsequent minutes and in utter disappointment, Kai punched himself in the testicles ( or he was going in for a 50-50 ball with the tall kid and pulled his crotch or calf) and in came Nathan. So the first half was scrappy, the opposition relied on long balls that our back four dealt with effectively. Their tall kid on the left proved to be a menace, making crosses and winning corners. We did have a scare when one of the normal looking dudes in Legal Head had a shot that whizzed through, but Mullenz made a great save, tipping it over the bar. Since the opposition had the two kids on each wing, our very own Nathan and Garrow had drop back more often than not to assist on the defending. Bear and Kettz froze out their muscle freak Gurkha striker with D. Cheung battling out with the ugly pirate. We won a free kick 30 yards from goal after one of the frothing at the mouth mofos tried to buttfuck Spenny and we egged on Howard to dish out one of those floating pass/shot hybrids. That was the plan and somehow their keeper, even being wrongfooted tipped Howard's hybrid pass/shot to the cross bar. We also had another chance with D-Cheung taking a shot from a Spenny lay-off, the effort was there, but the technique was much to be desired ( forget about using the inside of your right foot, hit it with your left foot when the ball runs across your body dude!). Garrow was taking advantage of their 15 year old right back and had some 1-2s with Leo which were positives. Throughout the first half, we see-sawed between trying to string together 3 passes and then losing the ball to their tall kids and defending. Ikes, Belgian, Bear, and Kettz probably dealt with 50 headers from the opposition's long balls. With the first half closing in, their tall kid managed to squeeze a cross to our near post and Bear, taking pity on the opposition for being so ugly, skimmed the cross in for an own goal. Half-time Fellas 0 - Legal Head 1. The second half saw the same see-sawing action in the first half, and by now our travelling supporters were in full force, heckling that was. Every foul was met with a "fuck you biatch!!!!" from the sidelines to the opposition. Bear had a little run in with their Gurkha looking striker, with the usual fuck you, fuck off, no-fuck you first exchanges and shoves. Good stuff. I would have pulled his faggoty pony tail and clotheslined his face/neck, but he happened to be a built like a truck with bulging muscles from every angle. Subs were made intermittenly with Flo, Jules, and Mark coming in. More scrappy play ensued with Leo making some good runs but to no avail. Some fouls were called after constant moaning from the Legal Head back four which was perplexing. Leo was getting tripped and shoved all over and no fouls called , but Spenny was warned twice for going in for headers against their frothing at the mouth 6 foot 2 defenders. But hey, learn to walk away and not nag the ref as that won't help. We did have some set plays with Flo and Bear looking to capitalize on headers, but the goals never came. Seemed like shots were a rarity for us since our wings weren't able to cut in and our midfield found it hard to string passes into the final third of the pitch. After some quick passing from Mark, then Howard and Garrow's(?) bouncing over the head pass, Spenny turned on their defender for a shot that sailed / lobbed above the cross bar. By this time Leo decided he couldn't take on the bigger guys, so he took out their 15 year old, warranting a yellow card. His dad/protector said, "for fuck's sakes, he's only 15!!!" with Leo rebutting, "hey, how would I know how old he is!?! how old do you think I am?!?! hey, you look like you're 60, so what the fuck!?!?". Three minutes later, the ugly mofo pirate looking dude swept Leo off his feet from behind for payback. What a douche. Our final attack from 2 more set plays didn't pan out and the game ended with Legal Head winning one - nil against the Fellas. So we lost one nil. If the pitch sucks, then pass more decisively and dribble less. Keep the triangle positions. When dealing with skilled wingers, don't take the bait and rush in, play the space and jockey him out of position. Midfielders, always look for a return pass and then spread play; also take some risks in threading / chip passes between defenders for wingers to run on or strikers to latch on to. Strikers, draw defenders out of position so the midfield can shoot and bring your scoring shoes to the game.
