And here we go again on away day adventure with the Mighty Vale, today playing on a mystery pitch somewhere in deepest darkest blackest country. The boys meet the opposition at a specified location on the proviso there is no backup. They are then blindfolded one and all, then given the choice by Morpheus of taking the blue pill or the red pill before being jumped upon by Time Bandits and smothered with Chloroform. On awakening the Vale’s worst nightmare was upon them, yet again they had been whisked away to the land of Middle Earth to pay the Fellowship of Corngreaves. Facing them was the band of mooks that fiddled the Might out of 3 points just before Christmas.
They looked confident. They looked dirty. They looked in the mood for some good old cotton pickin’ cheatin’, that as little Joe the foulmouthed hobbit suffering from SPS (small person symdrome – makes ‘em nasty see) whistled uncle Bilbo Squeakshouter from his hole in the ground, who was dressed in a shiny new Corngreaves Inc. ref’s kit. Hmmm. I can’t quite work this one out, but is it time to give Scooby a shout…
So with little Joe up front, Highlights the porky elf in the middle, Gimley on the bench and a plethora of those ugly ones who are the baddies paying everywhere else the Greaves lined up on the halfway line…sorry that implies a pitch, the venue would be better described as a grassy skate park – maybe it’s a giant landscape sculpture thing and with a bird eyes view it looks like a shim – big pair of tits, cock and balls. But wait wait wait for the Vale have depth and strength this week. Could be interesting.
Kicks off, the undulations and the sticky mud make for a shite first half hour. Vale paying within themselves, Corndogs winning territorially but making nothing of it. The Vale started to push and as Matt had the ball at his feet Dan darted down the wing, Matt hit it straight up a cave trolls arse and ably controlled the ball again. Again Matt tried to find Dan, arse, back to Matt. The crowd held their breath, and thrice it went up his arse…now that’s funny. Ha hahah a, shit, they scored. Brew and Camo fetched their binoculars out and looked at the midfield some length of a pitch distance away. Hmmm.
Camo ghosted up from the back got to the edge of the box and kicked the ground. Brew pulled a textbook slow motion Cruyff for the adoring fans. Smudge went through and twice was pulled up for offside…and kicked it deliberately wide in defiance. The Vale are still in this against supposedly better opposition. Uglier, yes. Fatter…oh yes. More sambooka, we’ll give ‘em that, but we’re athletes see.
Unbelievably Chuff and Chris still managed to dribble the ball round big sliders flying in, and it looked on the cards, just give a Laan a sniff. Then they scored again. Apprently Pete shouted step up as he stepped back. Where do we go from here. Then Danbo picked a ponderous pocket and fed Chris, back inside to Matt, to Chris, Dan in the channel, Steve and Laan cueing up, ball along the floor, keeper deflects, but its inevitable, Laan is there. 2-1 and half time.
So second half, we’ve got a couple of railslides and a half pipe in our favour, but the ball might run away down the cock on the wing. Not too far in Laan feeds Chris, and wants it squared back in the box. Chris’s first touch is sublime, fooling everyone he’s let it go out, keeper comes, Chris somehow directs it in far post. 2-2.
And poised like this it was anyone’s game. Brew lightened the atmosphere by hitting the corner flag with a free kick on the edge of the box, Geri and Pete were in acres, and making good ball to the wingers, Dan was tired so kicked someone in the head, and Camo in his Fisher Price boots continued to walk the ball up the middle. But who wants a good game of football. Not the ref. Another wasted cross from the Corn sailed over the bar. Peep. Corner. Peep. Goal. Twatbag. Oh looky, its that human pastry mountain who fouled Andy last time. Brilliant. 3-2. Complaints were made, so the ref gave them a penalty. Fuck you. Saved by Sophie. Then the ref had a shot, but Camo cleared it off the line. Brews goes through, keeper fouls him. Penalty? No, he books Brew. Then fucks him. In the ear. And with Smudge and Dan off injured cameos form Shane and Paul were to no avail.
