Sunday 19th September was the date of the Vale’s second match of the season proper. Unfortunate for them it was to be played on the bogey ground, the pitch that had seen so much promise from our lads but ultimately been left wanting and unfulfilled time and time again, just like the Mighty Vale sheilas. Unfortunate further was that this was the Vale’s new home. Dreams of The Shire had gone up in smoke by lack of action from ex-mayor Knott and his son Reg Jr, and the Vale were now left with The Dire. Saturday night curries are now officially off the menu for the next six months as the venue is definitely lacking in the waste disposal department.
Facing a severe goal drought following last week but one’s home defeat against the Mostyn Juniors, the lads were looking to notch a couple up on the score sheet and following an extremely rigorous training regime the previous Thursday the lads were looking hungry, and a bit hungover as usual. Broadway Utd were the opponents, arguably the best team from last year beaten twice by our boys, so to put them off the gaffer handed them the crappy changing room (should that be the crappier changing room?)
Anyway the match kicked off to the usual explosion of applause from the stands and the Vale went straight on the attack. Unfortunately it looked again like it wouldn’t be the Vale’s day as the movements never really looked that dangerous (movements in Mick’s shorts excluded naturally). Suddenly the Broadway came on the attack, with a quick step inside, draw marker pass, draw marker pass move on Pedro, Danbo, and Simbo, the forward let loose a terrific strike, only to see Andy clutch the ball out of mid air, then feebly drop it over the line… nerves starting to play up Mr Vallender? 1-0 to the visitors.
It’s alright, said everyone, we’ve made chances, it’ll be fine… so again they went on the hunt for fur and time and time again were just lacking the final clubbing over the baby seals head. Laan came close when Savo let him in with a delightful dummy, and didn’t Laan look a sight legging it after the ball only to balloon the shot over. Suddenly the Broadway attacked again and a second shot was spilled by the nervous Andy but luckily managed to obscure the ref’s view of what was surely a Roy Carrolesque blunder of the highest order. Got out of jail there lads, get your heads back on eh? The first half ended with a few half chances for our lads but little to report.
Following the natural rousing speech from Camo and a brief grope of celebrity fan Rushdelberg, the Danish opera singer in town for one night only, tickets £35 from fatwarblers@noisytarts.co.uk, the lads re-emerged ready to finish the game off, only finish it didn’t. The Vale created a few chances but were being stretched. A Savo forearm smash on the Broad left back was answered with a freekick to the Vale. The miss and ensuing scramble left the Vale two on two at the back with Stuey having to resort to kicking the ball high enough to give them time to regroup. Ten minutes later, the header clear from the plucky right back himself left the Vale room to sigh. But it continued. Another Broadway attack left Pedro, still keen to increase his goal tally at any cost, squaring up to a Broadway header, his toe nearly deflecting the header past the outstretched paw of Mr Viney, but to his relief the keeper palmed it wide. Another attack saw Andy exploiting his go-go gadget arm, implanted in the off season, to deflect another strike over the bar. Unfortunately his go-go gadget padded back failed to inflate in time and he landed like a sack of shite.
The Vale went back on the counter attack, Laan insisting on taking shots with his left foot to gain extra points for flair but lacking the ability with his standing foot. Mick had another chance to exploit an easy opening but deciding instead to tappy tappy tap tap it into the keepers waiting mitts. That was the final straw and Albanian import Geremi was brought on to replace the weak footed Ginger.
Then disaster struck. On another frequent trip up the Vales end, The Broadway forward managed to sneak through into the box with the gaffer hot on his heels. There was only going to be one winner, the local AandE. The Gaffer chopped him up good and proper and was lucky to survive without a booking. Not happy with the decision, Camo decided to mouth off and try to get the caution he felt he had so richly deserved. The penalty was converted and the game continued for ten minutes before the moaning stopped, not before a “Shut up cam”, “shut up Pete” ad infinitum bust up betwixt gaffer and left back. Brew and Laan gained the longest range argument with a full fifty four yarder. “Get your head on the game”, “Shut the f**k up Laan”, “Yeah but get your head on the game”, “shut the f**k up Laan” etc etc. Tempers were less fraying as fully erm de-clotharalising.
Then finally the final nail in that final coffin finally came. One of the Broadwayians took it past Steve on the left, and managed to get a cross over. Another waiting Broadwayian ended up with a free header, its going in, no he’s missed it and its going over to Pete, he’s pretty steady and he’ll get it away no problem… unfortunately blinded with goal-lust and somewhat impaired by the backing up of the aftermath of his Saturday curry, the mop-headed one controlled on the thigh, flicked up over head and expertly bicycle kicked it past Andy. He reached the halfway line with shirt over head before the reality sank in. Matt was the first but not the last to spit on him as he trudged back into position.
Alex was then subbed on for Savo to try and save something from the day and it nearly came in definitely the best move of the game. Laan held the ball up on the left side of the box, and Pedero, keen to make up for his treacherous act sprinted a full ten yards, took the ball inside overtaking five players in the process, and layed the ball across to the startled Alex. Obviously hearing the call from behind he magically dummied the ball by feigning a shot and let it run through to Matt. The touch was taken and blammo, over the bar. It was just not meant to be.
And so it ended 3-0. Another loss on the Field of Nightmares. Look at it this way, the season could be over by Christmas if this duck continues, no more early Sunday mornings, spending time in BandQ instead. Next week a thoroughly hungover return to last season’s whipping boys, the Drag Queens Sports and Social. But the big question remains… will the keeper leave his marital bed and get his Vale fix in before the honeymoon?
Attendence 14, including two bebbys.
