A new season for the Vale. 2007-8, the season of the badger, was the 5th in the long and auspicious life of our favourite team in the Kidderminster and District 5th Division. A new look for the Vale brought in some reinforcements for the retiring masters. Replacing The Sofa in goal was Sure Hands Paul, Brew at the back was swapped for Icelandic Lars, and Treasurer Smudger was subbed for his more honest brother Smelly Mick. Oh and there was a new captain as well in midfield stalwart Dan being replaced by midfield stalwart Roo.
White Wickets was the venue, with new Swiss style log cabin changing rooms. It was nice to see they’d kept some of the original features of the old block though – the toilet door still had to be propped shut with the pooees foot. Nishe. Bar St Martin were the opposition… a last minute name change which I’m sure you’ll agree makes the difference.
Anyway, all were there so off they went. The Vale took charge with some nice football, plenty of movement and lots of talking. St Martin would get the ball, lob it over the top, but the well greased cogs and belts of the back four mopped up the resistance and shlopped the ball back up to midfield. Ten minutes in and we only went one up (I know, in the first game of the season- that extensive summer training regime had clearly paid off). Camo, back from oxygen tent treatment in Scandinavia, got the ball on the half way line, slipped the ball to Laan. The big man then proceeded to fly down the pitch, via two or three defenders and end up on theleft corner of the box… the body opened up, left boot swang back, then forward, onto the ground and the right boot came from nowhere, bending inexplicably to slide the ball into the far corner. Get in.
Ten minutes later and the lads only got another. A long throw from throw in svengali Gerry was flicked on by Roo to Laans feet in the six yard box. A deft volley was all that was needed to dispatch said ball. 2-0.
The St Martin started to come back, clearly aggravated by this upset. Two quick lads up front were let through several times when it was clear they’d either shoot wide, or Paul would have the shots covered… the back four were very eco friendly and didn’t want to use up any more carbon than as necessary, especially in this time of reduced fuel security and dwindling fossil reserves with no clear direction for the future. Some heroic efforts from Paul, a goal line sliding tackle from Tim drawing blood for his team and general gritty getting stuck inedness from the defence kept the Martin at bay.
Then another throw in from Gerry went to Laan’s feet. A quick ping pong and overhead flicky type thing soon found him some room and he was off up the pitch. As he neared the goal the left foot blammer for the semi perfect hattrick on his 2007-8 debut for the club our hero, my friend and yours, Laaner. 3-0.
Half time. “more of the same please lads” from Ginge, some water, but not too much and back onto the pitch. The second half started much like the first, only this time with the Vale on the back foot, not really getting hold of the ball and having attempts rain down on the Vale goal - okay so not much like the first at all. Five minutes in and they only bloody scored, can’t remember it to be honest I was too busy watching Mick in a discussion with Wee Jock McPlop, who was pointing out his seven lads playing for the Martins side. “You don’t have any fertility problems do you!” said Mick, “I do actually” came the reply- what a world we live in.
The Martins side got the bit between their teeth and started getting back into it. Their gaffer, presumably a member of the Tennessee Yakuza with his cowboy style dragon shirt on, barking orders from the sideline and geeing them up. The Vale tried to do what they did best- be honest. The ball hit one of the Martin’s hands “Hand Ball!” came the shout, blow went the whistle. A foul was committed “foul ref?” wheep went the whistle. This started to get on the Martins collective man tits. “You’re blowing for everything we do wrong ref, just cos they’re calling for it”. Elementary my dear.
Then 15 minutes to go they got a second. Can’t remember not important. Now the Vale were truly under the cosh. Wave after wave sloshed down on them and they did their best to bale out the boat and keep paddling. Four corners in a row were defended and the defence held, a feat never before achieved by the Vale. Finally after a lifetime the whistle went and the Valains left the pitch in a stupor
