This match review is a bit late, but here it is anyway....
The Vale rock up on a wet and windy morning at Habberley Playing Fields to play champions Tap House. A quick look at the pitch and everyone's concerned, a quick look at the squad and everyone's shitting themselves. Coming back into the squad, very much in a Jesus-like way, is Dave Delivers....and not only is he in the squad, he's in the starting XI....mon dieu.
So with only 12 players, The Mighty Vale stroll out of the changing room and out onto the field. Realising just how cold and wet it is out there, several players turn and walk straight back into the heated changing rooms. Alas, the referee arrived and decided the game should go ahead....though it should be noted he got to ref the entire 90 minutes whilst wearing a fucking puffa jacket. No such luxury for the Vale boys but they manned up to the situation and got on with things. The Vale actually started well, and by well I mean we didn't concede within 3 seconds. Simmo was being his usual cheerleading best "That's fucking shit!" "What are you doing!" "Oh jesus!" "What the fuck you playing at Dave?!" "Fuck's sake Bomo!".....but his hard work as a motivational speaker was undone when Daz Cook went in for a slide tackle, got very wet and asked to be subbed so he could sit and watch the game in the warmth of his van. So a lad called Steve replaced Daz, there was some formation jiggery pokery and Vale were back on their way. Exactly how and when the first four Tap House goals went in are now a distant memory....suffice to say the majority were probably Dave Delivers fault. But what's this, with Vale up against it a young Gaylo pops up in front of goal with the ball at his feet....he lifts the ball goalwards with a powerful strike....the balls holds up in the wind...it turns fully 90 degrees....is it?....yes it is! Gaylo has scored a (wind assisted) stunner....The Vale are back in it! The ref blew for half time and everybody ran to the changing rooms in a very girly way. 10 minutes stood in front of the heater, and the ref calls everyone back to the pitch for the second half. Somehow it's managed to get colder and wetter during the break...how the fuck, in the name of all that is holy, is that physically possible? But with that late goal in the first half, surely the Vale boys will give it a go and drag themselves back in the game. Two minutes into the second half and it's 5-1.....not much longer and it's 6-1. Then, finally, another Vale player gets on the scoresheet. A Tap House player is clean through on Bomo....Bomo pulls off a wonder save!...and there's Dave Delivers to help his keeper out....does he take the ball, dribble around the opposition, running the entire length of the field and smash the ball in to score what would surely be the goal of the season?.....no. Instead he shins the ball straight back past Bomo and into the roof of the net....screamer. Tap House got an 8th, and with time thankfully running out it looked like that would be the end...but no, a frankly shit clearance from the 'House keeper is going straight to Luke 'Use The Force' Bridgwater....but Luke is currently not paying attention and is instead chatting to James 'Cookie Monster' Cook about his arm hurting....the ball whacks onto Luke's back, who quick as a flash turns round, knocks the ball past a defender, rounds the keeper and knocks it in! He even outplays his teammates when he isn't watching the bloody game! Bloody showoff.
Thankfully this was the end and everybody ran like fuck to get back to the changing room. A note should be made of the fact manager Bingo Briggs ran the line for the entire game and got completely soaked....which was funny.
Goals:
Guy Davies (42) - Gaylo gets the ball on the edge of the box and hits it goalward...the wind takes it and bends it past the keeper. Lovely. (8/10)
Luke Bridgwater (85) - Whilst having a chat with Cookie, Luke gets hit on the back by a goalkeeper's clearance...he takes the ball, slips past one defender, rounds the keeper and slides it into an empty net before performing a celebration dive across the wet turf. Beautiful. Would have been a fitting goal to win any game of football....shame the useless cunts at the other end had already let in 8 at that point. (8/10)
