Spring finally arrived at Vale Park , the snow had finally gone and you could clearly see Mick sitting in the daffodils with a happy smile...on closer inspection he was taking a rather large dump brought on from the previous nights festivities celebrating Carwash Stu's "AKA The Difference" birthday.
As the Vale took up there usual prematch erection (of the nets of course) they all marvelled at the fact the gaffer had splashed out 60p on 2 new packs of pegs for the nets (the erection
continued).
As this faithful reporter looked around he noticed 2 noticeable absentees, the Skipper was awol as was Ginger Steve who was busy preparing a banquet for his family of approx 300 (or so he made it sound). But with the Gougemeister returning from a 4 game absence the Ginger quota was restored.
With Dan missing stand in skipper Laan could be heard asking the ref for the coin stating that he was the best tosser, surprise surprise it was premature, advantage Bailiffs. The boys started like someone had lit a fire under there asses (or one of there noxious farts) and
bombarded the Bailiffs non stop, after 10 minutes Mick tackled Jesus at left back and smacked a shot just wide of the post, the Vale fans (well fan, ginge ,as jack was in Mexico scouting for
new players) could smell a goal in the air. Matty superbly tackled the 9ft Bailiffs midfielder and passed it to Harry Potter (AKA Chuff) who played it on to Laan who unleashed a cracking shot
off the outside of his right foot which flew into the bottom corner.
The vale continued to pressure and 10 minutes later went 2 up , poshest Vale player Rupert chipped the ball into the area, the Bailiffs centre half did an impression of Mick with an unbelievably weak header, Lann dinked it over the keeper and nodded it in to the open net.
The Bailiffs finally woke up and forced Andy into a double save that’s double save not double cheeseburger. But before long the Vale were back on top, Gougeroo went close with a couple of
efforts, before right on half time Laan cracked one off (tee hee)…………… the crossbar , 2-0 at the break.
At this point you're probably thinking phew I'm bored already with this report and it's only half time.
well panic ye not….
He's a quick rundown of a dire second half:
The Vale were kicking into a 60 MPH wind and hardly left there half for 45 minutes, although Andy only had one save of note to make tipping a shot around the post.
Camo and Tim in the middle were playing superbly well although Tim didn't manage to head the
ball straight (New nickname 50p Head)
Roo and Matt were battling non stop in the middle and doing really well
Pete ran 70 yards screaming so loud that the ref's ears bled (He still didn't get passed to)
Finally the high point Mick's gay foul throw , followed by him saying "That's the best I can do" his bottom lip could be seen quivering from 50 yards away
So the Vale held on to win and more surprisingly kept a clean sheet! The gaffer was so happy in the pub that he even suggested we would beat top of the league Broadway next week!
Old squeaky voice went onto to say we would and I quote " Wup there ass"
Tune in next week to see if Mickey Mouse… err I mean the Gaffer was correct.
Yours,
The Goalkeepler
Editors Note: Excellent work to get tossing, erection, cracking one off, premature ejaculation and shit eating donkey fuckers into a single report.
