A few weeks ago, in a Division far, far away...
(cue Star Wars music…)
It is a period of civil war. Vale
wingers, striking from a hidden
base, have won their first victory
against the Evil Hon.
During the battle, Vale spies managed
to steal secret plans to the Hon’s
ultimate weapon, the Breath Tsar, an
armored referee with the power to check
booze consumption from the night before…
enough power to destroy an entire season.
Pursued by the Hon's sinister fullbacks,
Princess Laana races home aboard her
carship, custodian of the stolen plans
that can save her people and restore
freedom to the Division....
The oppression of the Evil Hon is felt deep in the hearts of all those Vale. Not a sniff of a win all season, and surely today is the fulcrum litmus test for the rest of the season. Win, and we win; lose and poo...the team are no more, swallowed up by that which created them, Mother Earth, disposing of those redundant useless residents on her belly that have become a constant irritation – like fanny fungus.
Anyhoo, lets check the line up. No Laan, hurt his toe has he, weak are Vale out Laan with. Also Andy’s a no show with some feeble excuse of wife having a baby…? So its Honest, Sharmy and Camo, then Matt and Roo, what a spine, what a backbone, today is a good day to die. Right, if that’s the spine, Gilbert left, Chuff right, fists of steel, Pecker and Smudge are me plates, now where’s me noggin and me peepers? Ringo, OK, and….areyoutakingthepiss? Dan? Rat boy? Its official, Ginge has lost it. The run of poor form has got to him, he’s forgotten his principals, his years of football craft. Talking about clutching a straws…clutching his balls more like.
So the game offski kicks and the boys are bossing it. I mean total control. On the rare occasion the Bitch stray blindly into the Vale half the ball is quickly dispossessed and fed back out to the wings for another Vale attack. Its controlled, skilful, patient….its crap really. They’re rubbish, score a freakin’ goal you muppets…
25 minutes in and I can’t believe they’re not 3 up, Danbo’s been fed but is not shitting goals, and despite everyone else on the team having a least one pot shot its not forthcoming. Ooo, there’s another ricochet from Camo, out for a corner. Dan make’s himself useful and fetches the ball, knocked short to Chuff, twinkles, driven shot straight at a wall of players and the keeper, but as a foot is put out to block it the ball swerves, twists loops and ducks its way through the keepers bandy’s, pats him on the arse and rolls in the bag. Chuff’s found his wand then…
Hoorah. Now watch the flood gates open. Except they don’t. More chances go wanting. Laan can’t believe he’s not playing, as he stands on the sidelines salivating at the glut of chances currently on the table. OOooo mamma, I eat good, I fill my booty if I playing today yum yum.
Another corner from the left, Matt’s going for goal, keeper plays patsycake, Ringo prods home for his first of the season…2 seasons…3 seasons. Rock on.
Half time. Nothing to be said really. Everyone done good, although Danbo seems to be sucking his thumbs outside of the team huddle. Well score some goals Betty, kick the ball inside the white sticks.
More pressure from the Vale kicking towards the Golf Course stand. Back pass to the keeper, crap clearance, Dan takes a touch and strokes the ball into the empty net. Better. Keep going. 3-0
Another attack, Dan splits his defenders, Roo looks up, threads the needle, sorry, threads the Panama Canal to find Dan who turns, touches, and hits the bottom left with his…right foot? Stranger and stranger….4-0
Roo wants in on the action, dribble, jink, 1 – 2 with Chuffere, jiggle, wiggle, shoot goal.5-0
Roo again, having a blinder, squares to Chuff, after you, no, after you kind sir. Bookaya goal.6-0
Is anyone else playing? Roo, squares to Dan in space. Left foot TWAT! Goal.7-0
Rich drives into the box and hiss maliciously hacked. Ref points toward the spot. Matt steps up and makes sure.8-0
Through ball down the left, Dan’s jogging, I’ve seen this before, it’s just like Geoff Hirst, there’s people on the pitch, Dan’s going to pull the trigger, the greatest Vale goal ever…oh, he’s squared to Paul Richbro, what a hero, how generous, and Paul destroys the broken opposition HIKIYAKA! 9-0
Peep.
The boys take a bow.
We want more. Can I not wait until next weeks Cup game. I predict a riot.
