With Chris Chambers surprising no-one by failing to turn up, Olympique LMB were allocated a friendly against (suspected) Division 2 side FC Arnold. From the start Brett and Rowan forced the Arnold keeper into some smart saves, but it wasn’t long before the (alleged) underdogs were in front when Swithers latched on to some neat passing and put the ball between the keeper’s legs, watching in delight as the ball dribbled over the line. Brett made the most of a poor clearance to lash home the second with a flash of his feminine legs, before some good defensive work from Lloyd allowed Brett to break and shoot from wide right towards the far post (at a moderate pace); Swithers produced a sublime dummy and the ball simply rolled into the goal with the keeper rooted to the spot! FC Arnold produced a mini-comeback as some well-placed shots and a spot of generosity/ball-licking from Rowan (who gave the ball away and then effortlessly beat Allan with a deflected shot off his anus to score their third) made the score 3-3. Swithers got his second when he chased down a dithering defender, stole the ball and produced a swivel and shot that gave the keeper no chance. Rowan then made up for his earlier mistake with a fine (if a little greedy) solo goal, skinning two players and placing his shot just inside the post to leave the half-time score 5-3.
The second half was a much more one-sided affair as LMB generated an impressive team display to defend as a unit, hold the ball and produce killer passes. Lloyd was the first to benefit as he scored a 5 minute hat-trick, Swithers playing him through on goal for his first, with the others opportunistic left-footed strikes. Rowan then incapacitated their keeper with a strike to his nuts, and then minutes later rolled the ball into the (almost) empty net as the keeper just stood there massaging his privates. It was then Barnesy’s turn to up-stage Lloyd with a 4 minute hat-trick, the first a tap-in after Brett greedily struck the ball wide when he should’ve squared, but he made amends with two wonderful assists from the stroke of his “gorgeous” (Griffin, 2009) female legs, the third splitting the entire defence and allowing Barnesy to swivel and stroke in the ball with his left foot. Lloyd completed the scoring with a long-distance shot that rolled into the far post with the accuracy of a cruise missile. Arnold scored 3 goals throughout the half but were denied on numerous occasions by a dynamic Allan, who pulled off some awesome acrobatics to prevent two own-goals of his own making!
Overall it was one of the best performances we’ve put in so far and the whole team were eligible for Man of the Match. In the end Swithers won it as he began the goal scoring, set up a number of goals and produced a strong performance in defence, and looked thoroughly spiffing in his rugby attire! However both Staszkiewicz brothers were very impressive with their tackling, box-to-box running and goal-scoring, Crouch worked tirelessly to hold the ball up front and should’ve had a couple of goals at the end of the match, Griffin was calm on the ball and passed well, Allan produced some fantastic saves, Barnesy scored a classy hat-trick and Brett’s legs were simply exquisite.
