Intertoto, fresh from yet another anonymous week last week, was having a pre-match heart to heart with Hoff Jnr, the young lad saying he was done with Tinder, as all his dates seem to follow the same pattern.
Girl: So what do you do?
Hoff: I work in TV.
Girl: Oh. I don't watch television. Hoff: Oh... So what do you do then? Girl: I'm a PA to a banker. Hoff: Sounds awful. Girl: It pays really well. Hoff: Oh... So where are you from? Girl: Leicester. Hoff: From the city? Girl: No, from around the city. Hoff: *nods* Right... Leicester City are doing well aren't they? Girl: Is that the rugby team? Hoff: No. Do you like football? Girl: No. Hoff: Oh. You know what, you seem "nice", but I think I might just go home and have a wank instead.
Some sage advice from Intertoto, saying not to worry, it's only when you're 33 and single that you should start to think about all that. Time is on your side Hoff Jnr, time is on your side.
Sadly there is nothing to report regarding wankery behaviour from the opposition this week. I mean their striker was a bit of dick (why is it ALWAYS the strikers??) but he wasn't too bad. So Tys kept his powder dry...but future dickheads be warned. It's a bit of a shame, as despite seemingly being nice chaps, they nevertheless do work for the royals. Superior bloodline? Seriously? Scientifically absurd and morally repugnant. Has anyone heard about the notion of the equal and inalienable rights of man? Anyone? Bueller?!
By the time Thursday morning rolled around we still only had seven players confirmed, so the call went out for F+P reinforcements, with Marc, Miguel, Lucas, Blaine and Simone joining the fray; I had to add another ringer to the website to cater for them all. However Nick H was a late confirm, and then followed even later by Neal, and then Hoff Jnr showed up as well, leaving us with four subs. Classic BoC. Latch was late and was nursing a gaping flesh wound from last week's game, so decided his time was better spent pursuing domestic harmony rather than warming the aluminium. Off he headed to reduce the subs count to three. Which is still a bit high. It ain't hard to say you're coming. There's even a website for it. It's this one! Right over there ->, off to the side. Easy peasy. Do it. Make it easier for everyone else.
Starting lineup of
Wayne, Illy
Miguel, Jordan, Nick, Hoff
Blaine, Neal, Phil, Marc
Tys
with me, Lucas and Simone on the bench. We pretty much dominated and weren't too troubled at all, Phil and Neal masterminding the defence, play them there every week I say. In the warm up Hoff Jnr seemed to be practising some sort of scoop shot/miskick, and duly brought it out in the game to befuddle the leaping pleb in goal, deftly chipping into the far corner. I don't think it was deliberate, but goals are goals you tossers, and 1-0 it was at halftime.
Subs were made, the late arrivals trotting off the for the fill-ins. Second half saw me at CB (FFS - where the hell are all our defenders?? ), Lucas at LB and Intertoto at RB. He still managed a superb assist for the second, beautifully curling a ball down the line with the outside of his right for Marc to dash onto and squeeze under the prancing goalie.
More subs, and we started to look a little ropey, as our Lb and RB went wandering a bit too far. Illy curled in a beauty to make it 3-0. Left-foot, natch, from the corner of the penalty box into the far top-left corner. Delightful.
Our fill-in LB then went into self-destruct mode with 3 minutes remaining, handling the ball in the area to concede a penalty (smart money was on Tys yelling "wanker" at the striker, but he kept his counsel), before creating a defensive mix-up that saw them sneak another. I don't think I'll invite him back. Fortunately our fill-in RB Simone was having none of it, and managed to abandon his post for a corner to spectacularly volley home left-footed from the top of the box. It finished 4-2, and yet another victory for the human race over the reptilian shape-shifters. That's 10 wins from 11 for BoC this year, we truly are the Leicester City of Battersea.
Pub squad turned into date night, Intertoto and I breaking with tradition and heading to the Latchmere to watch some footy, where he revealed, with a downward glance and faraway look, that he was once 33 and single.
Hoff is off to Cancun soon for a month. We wish him well. In other Hoff-related news, his Dad has undergone knee surgery, so will be out for 6-12 months. We also wish him well, although I wonder if it's just a desperate attempt to get another prescription for light sexual activity.
