I don't mind a spot of lawn tennis every now and then, and when I was a younger lad I worked as an usher at the local pro tournament (women's fourth tier - on a vaguely interesting side note Heather Watson won it this year). I remember one finals day was being presented by the local news sports guy, an absolute dickhead named Rob "Fairsy" Fairs. He was waiting for a match to be over so he could stumble on court and trot out his d-grade, lowest-common-denominator schtick, and in between his ciggie drags I heard him mutter, "Are these bitches finished yet? I wanna get home and see the golf". Years later he was still inexplicably the local news sports guy, and for some bizarre reason the station had decided to show the FA Cup highlights. He was clearly out of his depth, struggling with some of the Arsenal team: "Robert PIE-REZZ, SILL-VEE-AN ... uhhhh... WIFFORD and .... Terry Henry.". I mention this because apparently last week at Battersea just before we kicked off was a charity match featuring the very same "Robert PIE-REZZ and FRED LUNG-BORG". I do hope some local news sports guy was there to cover it.
However this week BoC was returned to the main event slot, and we lived up to the billing, dominating the game and running out 2-0 winners, although as usual it should have been a few more. And once again bloody Molby gets another clean sheet to his name. This is becoming ridiculous - and I can say that because I know he never reads the match report.
Tys in goal, Burty RB (although he'll probably blame the soft ball for some wayward shots and crosses, which is my excuse too), Molby and Stu CB, Jackson Flash LB, Nick wide left, Doggie and Totes in the middle, Hoff Jnr wide right and Wayne and his immobile mate Dan up top (Chris was late). Oppo were Dan Botham's mates Yeovil, although their snappy green and white kit does cause some confusion for the older players (Burty will probably blame that for some wayward crosses and passes, which is my excuse too).
We were scrappy in the first five or ten, before finally finding our feet, taking the lead after Morrissey threatened to lose possession before poking it to me, I threatened to lose possession before bumbling it through to Wayne just over the half way line. He then turned expertly, danced past two defenders before sitting the keeper on his arse with a nice little rollover-drag-back-thingy (I don't know what it's called because I can't do it), finally stroking the ball into an empty net. He later said it was like "rolling back the years on that one", although I don't think it was so much as rolling back the years as just rolling back to before he killed that first Fosters bloke - but I can say that because I know he never reads the match report. Two consecutive games, two goals for Wayne - does this mean he's back?!
Late on in the half Stu hit the post with a header from a corner and Burty shanked a few crosses/shots but we had the lead and I can't remember Tys having much to do at all.
Second half was quite similar to the first - mostly one way traffic. I do recall hearing an Aussie accent on the pitch for the oppo, but consensus in the pub later was "our token Aussie is better than your token Aussie" so I was pretty happy with that, I'll take a vague compliment anywhere I can get it.
We had the ball over on the right, I gave it to Wayne and for once he actually gave it back to me (but I can say that because I know he never reads the match report). I spotted the Jackson Flash dashing down the left and bent a ball into his path, his first time cross a peach directly onto the foot of Hoff Jnr who volleyed it into the roof of the net from a couple of yards out as he triumphantly screamed "Goals are goals you tossers!"
Perhaps the highlight of the second half was Latch commendably attempting an overhead kick of sorts, one of those ones where it's at head height, and you let your body drop to the ground to bicycle it into the net... except he missed completely and only succeeded in handling the ball a number of times as it bobbled around comically. Their CB derisively laughed at his effort, which would be considered mean but he's a perfect and flawless human being. The rest of us are laughing *with* Chris, definitely *with*.
We had quite a few other chances to score, a couple of goal-mouth scrambles and oh-so-nearlys, Nick curling a superb effort from the corner of the box into the near top-left corner but the keeper managed to claw it away. Wayne made it to the byline a couple of times, but always selfishly had a shot instead of cutting it back. Just cut it back man, CUT. IT. BACK.
Tys only had one save of note, and quite a comfortable gather at that, they blazed a few long rangers well over and although we played on for five minutes extra to try and get the third/concede two in quick concession, it remained at 2-0 before the psychopaths, I mean hockey players, took over.
MOTM is possibly Wayne for rolling back the years (despite not cutting it back), possibly Molby for yet another frigging clean sheet under his watch, possibly me for some “audacious passing”. But the winner this week is the Jackson Flash, for bombing up and down that left flank all night long. Charlie George will need to be on his mettle next week, as the understudy is able and willing. I seem to recall Morrissey getting MOTM last time we played these guys, so next time stick him up front? Just a thought.
That is BoC's sixth clean sheet in the last 21 matches. The only player to have played in all six? Steve "Woosnam" Weir. Lies, damned lies, and statistics.
