POKEMON MASTER RUINS BATTLE
The now infamous ref lord Luke Purvis disgraced not only himself but his fellow refs with a diabolical display of whistle blowing in the recent clash with the Alligators.
Purvis who recently collected his 7th out of the 16 available Pokemon badges on offer turned up to the event with his Pokeballs in tow. Purvis had Pikachu scuttling alongside him as he made his way to the Gatorade@Wilsons Lane dressing room to get changed in to his P.E kit.
The Gators started well as they pressed high up the pitch looking to make the Firefly’s make the error. Rob Ward had returned from a non injury related lay off and looked to lead the line with his muscular frame and devil like ferocity. It was our returning hero who had the first chance of the game as he found himself clear only to see his opposite number more than a match to his effort. Ward also had another opportunity which was spurned due to a cheating linesman who flagged early, a sign of things to come.
The Gator’s pressure was a welcomed site as they dominated the soccer in the midfield zone. Another returnee and another Ward (Gez) was looking to spray can the ball around Wilsons Lane Xabi Alonso stylie. After a couple of failed attempts Ward finally launched the pass of the season to Bywater who was clear 1 on 1 as the Gators broke on the counter.
Bywater strode forward, his eyes lighting up like a pedo at a school crossing as he looked to enter the 18 yard box….when suddenly Bywater collapsed in a heap. He had slipped over in the muddy conditions. The chance had gone and Bywater looked a real dingbat.
The Ayton Bluebirds had kindly donated their usual starlets of Danny Stevens and Simon Rigg, both thrust straight in to the action as Stevens shinned his first ball of many in to an adjacent garden. Rigg was trying to play the cool calm and lazy game of sitting back and letting the Filey speed merchants come at them when Pluminho sent out a volley of instructions and abuse from the sidelines. “push up for petes sake, ive told you time and time again if you sit back and relax you will fall asleep Riggy, now MOVE!” bellowed the gaffer, who is yet to win a competitive game in the previous 5 attempts.
The first moment of controversy, even more controversial than Todd Grimshaw’s first gay kiss scene in Corrie back in 2001 came in the 28th minute.
A long hopeful Filey throw was hurled in to the Gator’s 18 yard danger area. Holden rose highest and muscled a venomous head butt on the ball to see it career 40 yards away, it was a big smasher. Sensasional scenes were then to occur as the man in black – Purvis blew for a Penno Spot strike!!! Holden went beserk, girating around the edge of the D with his arms a waving in crazed fashion, his eyes bulging as he looked set to rip out Purvis’s heart with his bare hands. Suddenly the Filey manager David Mitchell called Holden a Seamer Sissygirl supporter and Holdens anger became sheer madness as he stuck the nut on the Filey gaffer only to be pulled back by his team mates. Purvis missed the whole incident as he was tending to his escaped Squirtle and the penalty was organised and dispatched with ease. It was 1 – Neil Filey, the Gators were furious. The goal stood…
The rest of the first half played at a fast and frenetic pace as Phil Pickard became increasingly agitated as half time drew ever close. His memosa’s pre match meal was nowhere to be seen, Pickard was sweating like a Muslim at passport control, would his burger and chips make it for Jose’s half time pep talk??
Half Time
Ayton Alligators (0) v (1) Fc Filey
Pluminho adjusted his magnets and pointed with his laser pen, the Gator’s listened intently. After 15 minutes of pure tactical knowledge passed on from the special one to his special team, the Gator’s were ready for action. Well…all but one Gator. Just as whistle lord Purvis was about to kick off the 2nd period, out skipped Phil Pickard – tomato sauce down his chin but with the biggest beaming smile any man could wish. His meal had arrived, and quickly vanished in similar time.
The ill fated second half got underway with the Ayton outfit weary of the poor performances during the 2nd 45. On came Stu Mawer for the surprisingly disappointing Wallace, who had looked completely out of sorts for the first half. It was an obvious drug issue which a club insider said would be dealt with internally.
The Gators were lacking wide men options with Jamie Tyler currently in custody after being arrested for small arms offences. Team lawyer; Al Bino is looking to use the old catch 43 legal method and Tyler could quite possibly be available in the near future, much to the Ayton followings delight.
It didn’t take long for Mawer to get involved as he sidestepped a throw in directed his way quite majestically. Plumpton read it like a Harry Potter novel and controlled the ball like a dream at the edge of the 18. Bywater, or Deano as he is known to his team mates waved frantically to grab Plumptons attention, he could smell a goal.
Plumpton assessed his options as he produced sparkling footwork to avoid the onrushing Filey defender, then came the dream ball on a plate for Bywater and he finished well after feinting to shoot with his right foot. Those Filey Fireflys obviously hadn’t had their scouts out, everyone knows Bywater only has a left duke…they learnt the hard way. Game on.
The Gator’s tails were up, in several players shorts it was clearly visible as they looked the more likely to find the pokey once again. Then a long hopeful ball caused uproar in the Ayton backline. The ball made its way across the box to Graysocks at left back, he pulled back his trusty meat cleaver like right foot and swung with more force only matched by Vanessa Feltz’s toilet seat under strain from the TV celeb. Sadly for Graysocks his swinger didn’t connect and a Fileyite made him pay as he drove the ball in to the far corner and make it 2-1 after 52 mintues.
The goal shook the Gator’s to the core. Again a defensive error, again in the 2nd period of the match. Could they respond?
Ok boys and girls, bad news. Due to a lack of time last week I was unable to finish this high quality report. I apologise sincerely and would like you to all make your own ending… (Ps I also havnt checked it so if theres any errors there you go)
