Match report by Tommy “Son of Scorcese” Garbutt.
Attendance: At least 10. Maybe even 12.
Mexoc came into this crucial game on the back of strongly worded emails by “Der Management” warning our boys to avoid drinking the night before. Asking an Irishman to “avoid drinking” however is like asking Rich Reynolds to avoid his mobile phone, so this friendly advice may have gone unheeded by certain members of the team….who play in goal. Nevertheless, the craic was good in the changing rooms as Mexoc prepared for battle, boosted by the new kit so elegantly (and tightly) modelled by Reynolds. Fears he had brought himself 17 new lycra undergarments were swiftly extinguished by the discovery of several XXXL shirts hidden away. The team then gathered under the goal posts for a team photo, and may I say this reporter has never seen such a fine set of young men since he mistook “Piping with Lance and Julian” as a DIY video.
Following warm up and team talk Mexoc took to the pitch with confidence. Putting his home video skills to excellent use (having been denied in the bedroom of such pleasures since he got married) this reporter pounded the touchline hoping to catch glimpses of footballing genius that could be captured forever on celluloid, treasured by generations to come. What he got however was a first half that even the great Beadle would have struggled to hand over a couple of quid for, never mind 250. Possession was all Manweb, play within our half 87% of the time. First goal came when a failure to hold the ball up-field resulted in a through pass that must have hit an angry mole hill as it dabbled its way over Matthew’s out-stretched foot. Their forward was unfazed when a slightly inebriated onrushing Johnson pounced out of goal like some overweight gazelle and preceded to “up-end” his opponent in a cacophony of mud and swearwords. Post match reaction from Johnson proved inaudible, this reporter only making out the words “never touched the eejit” and “too much Guinness”. Manweb stuck the pen away low into the opposite corner to Johnson’s despairing sidestep. Eat My Goal!
A second Manweb goal soon followed with Mexoc asleep on a throw in. The ball found itself to an unmarked winger who crossed in, the ball just evading Devine’s despairing head for their forward to volley home. An old man behind the goal was heard to murmur “He must have a foot like a traction engine” in his blind dog’s ear. The dog nodded in agreement.
Frustration was growing on the sidelines, Reynolds furious that Hull… sorry, Manweb… had taken a 2-0 lead. Mexoc were reduced to a few efforts from outside the area but to no avail. Manweb had several other golden opportunities to increase their lead before ref blew for half time. This saw manager John “the fifth ninja turtle” Fiorentini berate Mexoc for an inept performance. The opposition had been granted too much time on the ball, poor organisation at throw in’s and an inability to keep possession were issues highlighted by all. This reporter contributed the phrase “not enough hustling” to questionable impact. An improved second half performance was on the cards however…
A Mexoc recovery beckoned when good work by Paul “The Right Touch” Smithy resulted in the most delicate through ball for Causley, who timed his run to perfection from three yards offside. Rounding the keeper like some balletic ice dancer, he finished in the same manner he likes his women – hard and fast, with a thrilling climax. The keeper had goal pie all over his face…
Minutes later, Causley was though on goal again, but distracted no doubt by the appearance of his wife on the horizon wearing nothing but high heels and a cheeky grin, he was bamboozled by the keepers theatrical fall and shot the opposite way to what was intended (i.e. out of the goal instead of in). Such agony and frustration was only doubled when it fell upon this reporters duty to inspect said wife and find that she was not only fully clothed but that cheeky grin was in fact a scowl of displeasure that she was here in such diabolical weather instead of preparing at home for her pre X-Factor party. (JLS woz robbed!).
However, Mexoc now looked solid at the back with David “The Guisborough Goliath” Matthews and John “Simply” Devine winning all the headers against the Manweb forwards. The crowd were now fully CHARGED, which made for an ELECTRIC atmosphere AMP-lified by cries of “SOCKET to them” as our boys manfully PLUGged away despite the cold CURRENT of weather (enough). Our subs made a heroic effort to change things late on but to no avail. Manweb missed a few golden opportunities and Mexoc failed to turn their increased possession into chances, despite some well dodgy offside decisions. The final whistle blew with Manweb victors 2-1. The troops trudged off wearily in disappointment, but knowing that some pride had been restored in that second half. They say the proof is in the pudding… and in this case, the pudding…is a football. Promotion and cup glory is still on, with the Cavaliers up next week. Goooooaaaallll!!
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Unfortunately, a Manweb win then. I for one shall be switching my supplier to nPower in protest, but fear in this worrying economic climate it shall make little change to my monthly direct debit. DAMN YOU SAUDI OIL BARONS! DAMN YOOOUUU!!!!
