Comedy treats as Bulldogs fall foul to Star Tricks!
A battling and truly entertaining display by Mark Plumpton’s Ayton Bulldogs saw them leave the field having lost 7-1. This was no ordinary 7-1 defeat mind as they worked like Morcambe bay cockle pickers, frustrating the bigger, stronger and all round better Star boys.
The Bulldogs welcomed new signing Dan Pollard who joins the club on a free having spent the last two years in the wilderness. Pollard was once touted as the “next big thing” in his home town of Peterborough as Barry Fry single handedly ruined his chance of stardom. Fry had Pollard at youth team, took him through the ranks in to the Posh first team only to discard him like a used tampon after failing to use him in the starting 11. Thankfully Pollard has regained his confidence after seeking help from top football psychologist and tv pundit David Pleat who has helped him face his demons within the football world.
After turning up to the game late due to Dave Lovell sleeping in after a long night trick or treating – the Bulldogs set off as the whistle went with an air of fear in their play. Slowly but surely they organised themselves well as Simon Allen returned to the back line, alongside last weeks villain Neil Fraser. Allen has missed the last few battles as once again his celebrity status took centre stage as he released his Xmas Topless Calendar in the Brunswick centre, Scarborough to over 15 screaming school girls.
The opening exchanges saw Star take 75% possession but this didn’t mean a thing to the Bulldogs who were as determined as a midget at a urinal. Ayton stuck to their task well as they pressed and harried their superior opponents who were becoming increasingly frustrated as they failed to find a way through the Bulldog rear entrance.
Fraser was performing well at the back as several Bulldogs just couldn’t believe what a different player they were seeing compared to last week. Fraser had taken time out this week as he took his mind off football with his other hobby; Valentine Card Making. Fraser Cards LTD are set for a best seller as this week Neil finished his 2011 main card with the love message inside “Roses are red, Violets are blue, I’ve got Aids and now so do you xx”
(Aids Victim - Neil Fraser)
Star were handed their biggest major opportunity on a plate as whistle blower Leslie Towse stunned the Bulldog faithful by giving a PK after a tremendous challenge by Si Allen in the danger zone. After 2 minutes of remonstrating with the ref the penalty kick was taken to a chorus of boo’s from the away end. Dave the Save made himself big and slung himself to the right just as his hero Gianluca Pagliuca the former Italian great did to win his team Lazio the Copa Italia in ’92. After such a tremendous save our touchline commentator Gail Hailstorm got straight in there to ask the question on everyone’s lips “just how did you do that Dave?” “Giani taught me to always trust my instincts and go with the force, shut my eyes, count to 4 and sling myself one way. I owe it all to him”.
The Bulldogs stood firm, well apart from Fraser who found himself nursing a bloody nose after a robust aerial challenge from Dean Lill. Lill has been rushed to a local medical centre as the threat of Aid’s is imminent after finding a spec of Fraser’s blood on his boots. Fraser later visited the medical centre himself with doctor Leg pronouncing his nose as “broken and definitely kinked” as Fraser left with a snout similar to 90’s cartoon hero Cyril Snear (Right).
On 32 mins Star finally broke through after numerous failed Bulldog clearances. It was a blow as the Aytonians had defended well.
The following two minutes resulted in TWO more goals as Star ran rampant as they took advantage of Ayton as they quivered in fear of another wife beating hiding.
Half Time
Star Seahawks 4 v 0 Ayton Bulldogs
The Second period saw Denny Ingram of Scarborough Athletic remove himself from the field of battle having lost the war with lesser lights Plumpton and Sample. Star also boasted the higher standard talent of Mark Barber who again struggled to find a way past our formidable twosome.
Dave the Save was proving incredible in the Ayton net as his hands moved faster than the infamous Comet raid of 2007 that saw him spend 12 months on community service as he left the store with a 32” flatscreen, a Hotpoint dishwasher and a 6 pack of AAA batteries. The goods were later found in Lovells room by the feds, although he denies any knowledge of how they got there.
Lovell was finally beaten on 62 minutes as the Bulldogs were again proving a tough nut to crack; even entering the Star half at rare intervals. Sample found himself clear of the Star defence as his blistering lightning pace took him around the keeper. The goal was gaping yet somehow Sample failed to notch his first of the season as the Star keeper was given the time to get a tackle in.
Confidence was surprisingly high. Even after shipping in another 2 goals in short succession to take the score to 6. Jake Smart raised it even higher as he nonchalantly plucked the ball out of the sky - Cantona like on half way. His team mates failed to provide any support as Sample giggled hysterically at the marvel of the youngsters act.
Martin Atkinson is beginning to make a name for himself as he slowly begins to shake off the tag of “sick boy” from last season. Atkinson has shown massive improvement of late as his dinner and play time kick abouts at school are obviously helping to develop his unlocked talent. Atkinson (17) showed the next piece of Bulldog magic as he controlled the ball on half way. He looked up and decided he was indeed the best option as he drove in to the Star half, weaving his way past no less than 5 challenges. The Ayton crowd were going barmy, Jon Hick waving his Ayton scarf around his head, Ascough did a quick 10 reps on his dumbbells and Tim Hick clapped wildly as Atkinson roared away only to see his move halted with a last ditch challenge.
The followers went one step further in their ladder of excitement as the Bulldogs found the back of the net on 79 mins. Pollard turned neatly on the half way section and sent over a looping ball for Carter. Carter was never in any doubt of missing as he fired home his 4th of the season for the Wilson’s lane based club and celebrated in style with a notorious Temouri Ketsbai advertising hoardings demolition of the Ayton water bottle holder.
Chris Stubbings entered the fray for Star as they looked to finish the game off. Pluminho responded as Temple looked tired, well this was the longest he has played in over 8 months! Tim Hick came on as a white Celestine Babayaro at left back, looking to murder Stubbings at the first opportunity.
The Star boys laughed almost as loud as the Bulldogs as Stubbings sliced a 25 yard strike massively wide as old big arms himself went bright red as he trotted back to his position out wide.
Atkinson proved his play does indeed have brawn as he out muscled his Saturday Ayton team mate; Stubbings as they came together in the box. That’s right, Martin all of 17 yrs put Stubbings to the deck with minimal upper body effort. Stubbings squealed loudly in hope of a penalty; that penalty was never coming.
An injury scare came with minutes to go as Plumpton ended up in the splits position as he was outskilled in the centre.
Stubbings did have the last laugh as he smashed home his teams 7th of the game in injury time to give a score that was harsh on the visitors who put in a completely different performance to last weeks failure.
The “Garry Glitter loves trick or treat night more than most” - sponsored man of the match award goes to Dave Lovell aka the Octopus.
