Following intense negotiations with Myton Jaguar's legal department, it is now possible to post the match report.
A letter of complaint by Myton Jaguar's club secretary has been issued to the league regarding the referee's indifferent performance. So not to unduly influence proceedings with the league, the following report is to remain impartial with only the audited facts laid out.
Cheating C*nt Referee Rapes Jaguar in Sunday Morning Horror Show
The signs were ominous as the referee tied up his white labrador before entering the field of play, whilst depositing a conspicuously large brown envelope into his handbag.
The referee opted not to toss a coin before the game but to instead gift the kick off to the away team. He then winked at the opposing captain before telling Macca "don't worry, I'll make sure you get plenty of kick-offs for the rest of the game".
Despite the impending uphill struggle, Jaguar started the game in good faith, dominating their opponents from the outset. The home side went close through unfairly axed captain Danny Burke with a crisp header from an Ian Turley free kick. The ball looked certain to nestle in the far post but the goal inexplicably moved at the final second. The referee was then seen to discard with a remote control before pointing for a goal kick.
From the resulting goal kick, a poor clearance from the keeper left Kiam with a free run at goal. A clumsy tackle from the last defender, a professional foul one may say, brought Kiam to the ground. The Jaguar players waited for the certain penalty to be awarded, but instead the referee waved play on making the dive gesture, in a similar way to how he rubs the back of his gay lover. A terrible decision that Jaguar were soon to pay for, as moments later the visitors took the lead...
Some poor defending on the left from a free kick allowed the Aardvark to score with their first meaningful attack. A flat ball into the box wasn't defended with the Aardvark winger able to sneak in round the back and fire into the corner of the net.
Within five minutes it was 2-0 as the referee couldn't wait to give a penalty for hand ball. A shot from almost 3 inches away cannoned off Ian Turley's outstretched arm and the referee creamed his Y-fronts as he pointed to the spot. Ian, usually quite refrained in instances where a referee gives a decision against him, launched into a period of 'negotiation' with the referee. In the end, the referee came round to Ian's thinking and agreed that he was indeed a f*cking w*nker.
From the spot kick Ade failed to improve on his one save in fifteen seasons as the ball nestled in the middle of the goal.
The score remained 2-0 going into the interval with some fairly perplexed faces walking into the huddle. To add to the confusion, there was something strange about the half time oranges; they weren't quite so neatly or evenly sliced as usual. Sources close to the Monnington household suggest that Dale has been trying to get son Sean into the family business. An experiment of this scale was a high risk strategy for someone in Dale's precarious situation. Rod Ison was said to be seething after picking up a meagre portion as sidekick John Adams quaffed almost a half orange segment. Disciplinary action is almost certainly on the cards.
The second half started with Jaguar on the front foot, constantly knocking on the Aardvark's door. And eventually the breakthrough came, as Danny Burke profited from a loose header from an Aardvark defender.
But no, the goal was disallowed. The referee decided to make up a rule on the spot. "If the defender didn't mean to head the ball in that direction it can still be offside". "But he wasn't offside from the initial cross ref" Jaguar complained. "I couldn't give a sh*t, go f*ck yourselves, I'm getting a new Merc on the Aardvark after this game" the referee retorted. C*nt.
Another blatant penalty shout was waved away and some more dodgy refereeing continued until 5 minutes from time the Aardvark broke to seal the game. They added a fourth in injury time as Ade was foiled by another pesky mole hill, from what seemingly would have been a regulation save.
There was still time for more controversy though as deep in added time Jaguar had another goal disallowed through Andy Bynon after taking advantage through a quick free kick. In normal circumstances, the ref would bring back play and re-organise the free kick but instead opted to book captain Gary Macauley for having the sheer front for asking for the ref to count out the entitled 10 yards. Pure penis.
Not a great day for the ref at Browns Lane on Sunday. Not a great day for Myton Jaguar either for that matter.
With the season now in tatters and the referee booking an all inclusive trip to the barbados, manager John Ison now has a spare weekend to try and rally the troops for the all important cup quarter final against Caludon on the 27th March.
A team bonding session has been arranged for Friday 25th March, starting in the Holyhead at 19:30. Gold lycra suits are not on the agenda.
Disclaimer: The above is based on alleged circumstances and can be no way deemed to be the express opinion of Myton Jaguar or anyone connected to the football club. There is no evidence to suggest that Sean sliced the oranges
