After Ready's recent ruthless cull of the dead wood Brownhills arrived in Crewe full of confidence. This meant no Little G, who has been replaced with Johnny B. Goode who had a barnstorming debut, the ageing legs of Kello were put out to pasture, Doyley is unable to use his hands and is therefore even more useless to the team than normal and 83 year old Hally has surely announced his retirement by preferring an alternative engagement to a game of Nogger!
This week's excuse from Craig was something to do with him not having a key to get in his house and his Mummy and Daddy were going to whist drive at 6pm.
Excuse of the century came from Idrees who cried off because he hurt himself the other week by NOT kicking the ball!! This must be the 1st BHS off the ball injury sustained since Ready's Curry House collapse and subsequent Chilean earthquake! Not to be outdone Ready had an accident when he slipped in the shower after the game and this lead to a sickening thud and a massive amount of water being displaced. It was quite shocking to turn BBC News 24 on after the match and find there had been a massive earthquake and tsunami in Japan. Once is a co-incidence, twice is surely proof that Ready is the cause of all the disasters in world! That's actually less than what Mrs. Read blames him for!
This meant Brownhills took to the field with their strongest, most effective XI of the season.
Brownhills, who were resplendent in their new (to them but actually Fordy's Sunday team 4th hand) slimline white kit and started the game at their usual tortoise-like pace. At one point a 3 legged tortoise actually beat Ready in a 25 yard straight sprint. Ready incurred a fine for being the only member of the team not wearing a kit as he couldn't squeeze into the XXXXXXXXXL shirt provided by Fordy and so had to make a trip to Millets for a white tent to cover his bulky frame.
Despite a promising start, the Tunstall boys went down to a goal from their hosts, rather against the run of play.
BHS were soon behind after an awful goal kick from Paul and terrible marking from Graham led to a through ball being slotted through to the opposing centre-forward, who easily outpaced Gary, berating him and his own team mates on the way and then slotting past Tall Paul. Gary should have got closer to him especially with his skin-tight, low wind resistance, minimal drag, shirt on.
When the Referee, that nice Mister Stubbs, pointed to the spot after Stevelyn had his Go-Go Gadget arm pulled by the opposing defender and with the score at 1 all, we had a great chance to punish our opponents. Dead ball sharp-shooting expert Lee Ford stepped up to take the spot kick. However, in a moment of madness, he thought he was playing Stocko's "Aiming At The Upstairs Dimensions Windows" game from regular Friday's 5-a-side, but without actually striking the ball very hard at all. Fordy attempted to recreate, Phoenix from the Flames style, Antonin Panenka's famous chipped penalty 1976 when Czechoslovakia beat West Germany to win the European Championships. Unfortunately he merely recreated Peter Crouch's miss v Jamaica in a 6-0 win for England in 2006. Do you remember that one Stevelyn?
However, Lee was completely forgiven by his teammates because of the entertainment value in what was without doubt The Worst Penalty Ever Taken, and no rude or nasty insults were cast his way at all.
The Brownhills side soon latched onto the tactic of kicking the ball towards the opponents' penalty box, confident in the knowledge that Stevelyn would win it and fashion a shot on goal. Two such opportunities hit the back of the net, and the side representing the Co-operative University Near Tunstall Stoke, were in front. Cue the start of the MOTM performance from Stevelyn James who thereafter left a trail of destruction in the home team's defence reminiscent of the tsunami in Japan.
Stevelyn's second soon put us in a deserved lead after a bit of a goal mouth scramble led to him slotting it home.
Another goal against the run of play saw a SWS striker beat Ready to the ball before lashing it from outside the box into the roof of the net, just evading Tall Paul's despairing fingertips.
So 2-2 at half-time, and the prospect of playing with the wind in the 2nd half. Ready regularly plays with the wind all through the games. Brownhills made great use of the tactic of knocking balls up for Stevelyn to chase, and two more goals came his way as a result. As Brownhills continued their disciplined and spirited performance, SWS became more fragmented and fractious as them two delightful and charming young men that play up front for them exchanged friendly and constructive advice with their playing colleagues in a calm and collected way.
Jonny Harnin was having a blinder on his debut, even making a heroic Terry Butcher style clearing header under pressure in our own 12 yard box. Simon Jones upped his game markedly from his last outing, and Fordy, Greedy and The Turk manfully ignored provocation as the ignominy told on the home side. Stocko's dead balls landed on the heads of Golden and Jonny and at the feet of Stevelyn. All three chances were wasted.
The opposition were starting to get rattled and a few tasty challenges upended "Bridget" and Greedy, although Gaz believed that if Steve had actually tried to get to the ball quicker and not been so lazy he wouldn't have been fouled. Greedy insists his style is merely "languid".
Ultimately, it was the veterans that steered the Brownhills team to close out the much deserved victory, as Ashley Kirkham, Greedy Steve and Skipper Tom Read rolled back the years in capping three, quite literally, vintage performances. The former showed previously unseen exquisite and intelligent first touch and uncharacteristic discipline, surprising all his teammates until they realised that his son and heir, a 9 year old Leek Town ball-boy, was watching on from the sidelines.
The final whistle was greeted by jubilation for the victorious Brownhills team, and wonderful cabaret as that charming HLTA who plays up front for SWS issued a verbal roasting to many of his teammates and confirming what a thoroughly dislikeable tw@ he is.
Unfortunately, more cabaret was to follow in the showers where The Skipper hit the deck yet again (becoming quite a feature of Friday football nights). Yet another "Injured Left Wrist In The Shower" incident was difficult to explain to Mrs Read upon returning home, but his failure to be able to lift his fork to eat his tea proved a substantive case for the defence.
