Itinerant Brownhills played at their temporary home of Trubshaw Cross, on a gloriously sunny day and, for the 1st time in at least 7 years, were all wearing the same kit having been supplied by our sponsors, who we can only say nice things about (contractually), with the out-sized overstocks purchased in error for the school kids. Graham looked like a corner flag in his Extra Large kit. This was because Craig, selfishly wanted to keep his sized Large kit as he wished to follow the spray-on 80's fashions he has witnessed in the Canal Street Nightclubs he regularly frequents. Readie has been on a diet and managed to just squeeze into his 4XL Kit. Idrees, on the other hand, was wearing a kit that was deemed too small for the Year 7 girls. These kits proudly bear the club motto "Good for Nothing".
Brownhills were quickly into their usual habit of conceding early goals when their Semi, played a one-two then cut inside the woefully exposed Stocko, skipped past Gary’s challenge and rifled in a unstoppable drive through several despairing challenges, past the diving keeper and into the net. Graham said this goal could have been prevented had Idrees tracked back. Graham’s actual words were that "Iddy not working back was making Stocko look even worse as he had two men to mark all the time.” Stinging criticism for Ahmed and a backhanded compliment for Stocko there?
Gary then embarked on a complete horror-show by doing all the things he regularly berates his team-mates for. Firstly, he let the ball bounce, was out paced and then the forward chipped the keeper. Secondly, he then looked like he was trying to re-enact Stocko’s “Riverdance” penalty video rather than clear first time to safety with his left foot and this left their forward with another easy finish. Gary says that neither of these goals would have occurred had Iddy tackled back.
In between Gary’s howlers BHS pulled one back when Idrees crossed for Stevelyn to tap in at the third attempt. Idrees was only able to be put clear as he was still so far up field having failed to defend on the previous attack.
Then the skipper unleashed his tactical masterstroke, he withdrew the ineffectual Idrees, replacing him with veteran Hall so that the rock solid back four could be reunited. This meant Johnny was moved from centre-half to right wing.
Straight away Brownhills looked a more effective team. Greedy Steve then miss-hit a shot that Stevelyn was again able to tap in from close range. The newer members of the team believed that this was a great, unselfish pass by Greedy but those of us who have known Steve long enough know he never passes to anyone. This was further evidenced when Greedy was put clear in an almost identical move but, greedily (hence his nick-name) elected to shoot first time with his useless swinger and, with both the goal and his strike partner completely open to his right, managed to completely shank his shot to his left, out for a throw in and toward Sneyd Green! The team had stated to Fordy before the game that the pitch needed chalking but little did we know that so did Greedy Steve’s “Snooker Foot” to prevent him miscuing so horribly! With hindsight, I believe, Fordy concurred the cones were useless.
Johnny was played in by Fordy early in the second half and he chipped the entire back four with a shot that went into orbit, looped past the seventh planet of the solar system then took three weeks to return and when it did it came down with what appeared to be snow on it. It finally re-entered Earth’s atmosphere and landed over the stranded keeper’s head into the net for a goal. Johnny said later to the Skipper it wasn't the first time he had “lobbed over Uranus”.
This seemed to spur Edensor to life. Craig was beaten all ends up by their female right winger when she shimmied one way and dropped her mammalian protuberance the other and waltz past him with ease. She then pinged a perfect cross to the back post for their forward to finish. Rumour has it that Craig was caught off guard because he has never seen such a fit specimen of femininity before. Craig blamed Idrees for not covering him for this goal, even though the diminutive Ahmed was off the pitch at the time. This put the score at 3-4
In the most contentious moves of the match Edensor scored again when a long chipped pass from the middle and the clueless ref (who, incidentally, is so vain he regularly "Googles" himself to see if his name is in our match reports. See he won't ever read that as I didn't use the blind Ref Phil Stubbs ' name!) gave their centre forward on side and he had an easy finish at the back post. Quite frankly the great Arsenal back four of the late 80s and early nineties have nothing on our well drilled back line and they held their line immaculately. Perhaps the ref thought Readie's gut was playing the fella on? We can't actually blame this goal on Idrees as there is absolutely no chance of him being in our half to defend and playing anyone onside, ever!
Graham tells me I have got to say he played the ball across the face of the goal for Stevelyn to complete a hat-trick of tap Ins. This is blatantly untrue as Golden was quite obviously shooting very wide of the goal and Stevelyn spared Andy's blushes. What is true is that we measured the distance from which Stevelyn scored all 3 of his goals from and his total length was 3 inches. That is probably the first time that this accusation has been levelled at him.
Fordy fell over the ball like a little Jack Russell dog in the garden and landed awkwardly on his back thus bruising his coccyx . Craig rushed over to rub it for him but was quite upset when he realised he had mis-heard the part of Fordy's anatomy that was injured.
Their "Girl" played a one two past "Howard" who was obviously ogling her with intent and was, therefore, completely distracted.
Now for the moment the Skipper told me to describe in detail. The ball was lost by BHS when Idrees failed to move onto a pass as it wasn't exactly at his feet. He then preceded to stand on the exact spot and failed to close down the opposition centre half, who then brought the ball forward passed into midfield, again, in Idrees' "zone". Once again the diminutive winger failed to move from the spot like a statue. Their midfield played it into their forwards who scored when the BHS keeper was slow to react and come off his line. As the Skipper looked up he realised that Iddy was still in the exact same spot. It was at this time the squad realised Iddy had erected a tent and filmed a whole episode of Channel 4's "Time Team". This is a programme that regularly uses "time- lapse" photography to make a whole week look like a minute. Readie had to ask what this programme is as he boycotts Channel 4 ever since his defeat on "Countdown" on a maths question a few years back. It is believed Idrees is still stood on that exact spot of Trubshaw field even as you read this! Either that or there is, indeed, a statue of him there. We intend to sign the statue up as there is more chance of it tackling back or passing.
Graham took the ball on and finished neatly to make for a grandstand finish at 5-6 down but alas, that was the last of the goalscoring action.
The Skipper would like to point out that the opposition were shameless in not chipping in to pay for the ref. They will be told to pay up in advance in future or we will refuse to play them again.
