Brownhills 2- OSSMA 9
This match was the inaugural fixture for OSSMA on their new state of the art 3G astroturf facility. When asked what time kick off was the reply should have been “every 5 minutes” as BHS took a beating of the kind not witnessed since one in LA in 1991, by narrowly losing 9-2.
There were very few highlights in this game and our goals were perfunctory to say the least. Stevelyn got his customary tap in and Graham a solo goal after Duncan pulled the ball back from over the line and from a different postcode. Graham even managed to miss our only other chance when he back passed it when clean through.
The only shining light in this darkest of hour in BHS SFC’s history was the majestic performance of Idrees who’s accurate crossing, pin-point passing and work rate were so phenomenal that his team mates were truly dazzled by the array of skills at his disposal and all were shown up by his endeavour and tenacity. This is how Idrees would have everyone believe his performance was but, as Iddy himself regularly reminds everyone, the stats don’t lie.
The actual summation of Iddy’s performance from a source outside of BHS was “That Idrees is getting bloody worse”.
To be fair Idrees first touch was brilliant, a pity it was his only one in the entire game.
Greedy Steve turned up in studs despite being informed that this match was on 3G astro. It is rumoured that he has always preferred the deep penetration of a long stud. Worryingly Stevelyn also missed the email advice that this was on astroturf and did likewise. Greedy had a shocker and his entire match report is as follows: made one tackle in which he got hurt and then did literally nothing as he sat out on the sidelines until the last 2 minutes. Therefore, Greedy was more effective than usual and we were spared his inevitable “spooner”!
The true highlight of this match was involved Ashley. After curling a lovely pass out to the wing toward Idrees which Iddy couldn’t be bothered to run onto and let roll out, Ashley has greeted with a loud shout of “lace it”. Ash was perplexed by this and protested as he was unshure what he should have done. “Lace it” was again the cry from the team. Here Ashley allowed his arty, musical side out as he used a more floral description to fully illustrate his thinking and he remonstrated with his team-mates that he had used all his guile and finesse in caressing the ball out wide. Again he was met with another cry of “Lace it”. Ashley just shook his head in disgust at his artisan colleagues and treated these footballing infidels with the disdain he felt they deserved. It was only when Gary “quietly” pointed out that Ash needed to secure his footwear that it dawned on Ash that the entire team had, in fact, been shouting “Your Laces” at him all the while.
Stocko put in a fantastic, brave, sliding challenge to try and prevent another goal. In doing so courageous Stocko put his body on the line but only ended up getting 3rd degree burns off the grass which seemed like it was bought as a job lot from Dewhurst's Butchers. It’s a pity that this challenge actually only succeeded in up-ending Hally and not one of their players!
Gary tried to put in a last ditch tackle but was crudely taken out by Ashley who completely nailed G but totally missed their player, who still scored. Ashley is now so slow he can’t even do the one thing he is renowned for, and so, is struggling to make the bench. Hang ‘em up Kirk!
Duncan, after a quiet 5 a-side debut, showed his true colours by being gobby and a bit too aggressive. The Skipper pointed out that these attributes were fully covered by Stocko and he really felt Stocko had to have at least one thing he was good at or he would be able to warrant a place in the team. “Dennis’” actions warranted a yellow card but fortunately for “Nintendo” there was no referee to give him one. Nor was anyone willing to give him one at the after-match curry, not even the two drunken munters he had his eye on. How thoughtful of our sponsors to arrange and pay for this meal for the team after such a morale sapping defeat and this was especially welcome as it helped to raise team spirits but it was baffling why they had invited all of the other people we work with?
Frankly, OSSAMA went through us just like the curry and lager did that night.
