I had some boots already so I just put them into my bag. Size 9 Kaisers if you’re interested. Classic boots.
The Atholl turned up at the hallowed Scrubs turf on the back of what sounded like an excellent victory in the opening game of their 14/15 pre-season tour of East Acton. With Jeff’s arse in fine goal scoring fettle the Atholl were confident in the face of their artificial-orange-juice-pouch-based-drink-loving opponents.
The warm up commenced in its usual fashion with Carl looking on helplessly as multiple balls were spanked into the horizon. There was something different afoot however and Athollians looked on in bewilderment as strange coloured discs started to appear on the Scrubs turf. Amongst whispers of eccentric moles migrating t0 the convict fertilised soil, Jeff informed the reticent players that these were “cones” and they were going to assist in the warm up in some way. The players were sceptical but like many innocent Infernos victims before us we trusted this strange Irish man and we were soon opening our gates and having Jeff warm up our groins. Whey.
It was immediately apparent that Jeff has been exposed to some left field warm up techniques since the end of last season. The premise was simple…..everything is better if you do it backwards. Backwards sidesteps followed backwards running, backwards gate opening things were followed by backwards lunges. With the Atholl’s reverse gear comprehensively warmed up we were ready to go. Apart from Phil. Phil’s groin did not survive Jeff’s punishing backwards lunges.
The game commenced and although I found I didn’t have any kind of a touch the classic Sunday league clichéd shit rolled off the tongue like I had never gone away, reinforcing my suspicion that the only reason I play every week is to shout inane rubbish for 90 minutes. I also found to my surprise that over the summer break my ever so much more Essex football voice and language had developed organically and I reverted to calling everyone “fella” as opposed to their real names. I do apologise, I don’t know where it came from, I do know your real name.
The game itself was a classic cagey affair. There was visible rust on the Atholl and Capri Sun players and both sides struggled to find any kind of rhythm early on. When we did get the ball down and string some passes together we looked pretty good. They probably had the better chances early on however the defensive unit remained steadfast in the face of a team that did actually have a fair bit of movement in midfield and upfront. Pete and Owain were tracking and tackling well in midfield and Andy J and Mick were intercepting everything that came our way in defence.
They scored at some point (in the first half?). One of their players, who was loitering behind Carl and the rest of the Atholl defence near the goal line, employed super human stealth to beat the offside trap and the ever vigilant Atholl linesman to make it 1-0.
In the second half from my central defensive vantage point I could see there was a bit of a furore in the opposition box that resulted in Chris passing the ball back to the keeper. I was later informed that it was a penalty and Chris scored. 1-1.
The Scrubs sniper made an appearance in the second half with Mick going down with one of the most textbook examples of cramp you are likely to see in amateur football. It was a pleasure to witness.
Atholl were looking the more likely to score after the equaliser. We did start to string a few passes together and Louis, Nick and Chris were linking up well up top. We asked questions of their defence but just needed a bit more quality to create clear cut chances.
So the Atholl march on and like Louis Van Gaal’s Manchester United and many great teams before them we maintain an unbeaten pre-season record.
Notable performances included Andy and Mick’s solid defensive displays, Owain and Louis put in industrious debut performances and generally we were looking decent. A couple more games to build a bit of confidence on the ball and get used to playing together again and we’ll be in a pretty good position going into the new season.
Yours sincerely,
Chairman Matt.
