After an unbeaten pre-season, for the mighty Atholl, the time had come for the real football to begin. Throughout pre-season we seemed spoilt for choice of players, regularly having 14 men for most of the friendlies. After the standard doodles had gone out, the midweek squad was announced with a bare 11 being named. With just 11 in the squad on Thursday myself, Chris Davies and Joe (all named in the squad for Saturday) decide to head to Battersea a few days early to gauge what the atmosphere was going to be like, by playing in 6 a side match.
In this 6 a side match we dominated, winning 9-0, Chris scoring 5 and I kept my first clean sheet of the week, with some good stops. This came at a price for Atholl as Joe was strapped to a stretcher and an air ambulance had to be called to fly him to Battersea Cats and Dogs home, because of what seem to be a two footed drop kick to his knee. The CAT scan from Battersea’s vets showed it to be a nasty knee injury which meant he was out of Saturday’s game and Atholl were down to 10 men (not for the first time this season.) *
Saturday afternoon came. Owain and I arrived at Battersea Park hoping anyone would have pulled some random off the street (or in Jeff's case, Infernos) so we didn’t have to play the whole game with 10 men. To distract us from this issue, we decided to watch the women’s hockey game which was going on the Astroturf. Jeff turns up and I ask the question, fearful of the answer:
"How many players do we have today?”
There was what felt like an hour pause.
Jeff replied “14”.
Owain and I let out massive sigh of relief.
As we were the away team, we each had to bring a white shirt as the other team played in blue. With a nod to my favourite novel, any one of the 50 shades of blue we wear would clash with their shirts. Jeff brought out an array of white football shirts from all over the world - but as he had two from Uganda, I can only think that Lenny Henry handed these to Jeff after Lenny had returned from shooting his appeal video for comic relief. Lewis arrived telling us he thought he was Lewis Hamilton driving to football and the police had gaven him a prize in recognition. No, not champagne, but a £100 speeding fine for getting clocked at 94 mph.
Once changed, we walked out towards the pitch. Not far from the pitch, there was a filming company. Soccer Saturday was doing a West End London League Div 2 special and Chris Kamara himself was the reporter if only he knew how to get there*.
We arrived at the pitch which only meant one thing... CONE!!!!!! We did a vigorous warm up to only be told that the ref was half an hour late. This helped Chris Rees who was still sleeping at this time, but did make it in time for the second half. Commitment epitomised.
The ref finally arrived and the game started. Atholl started off slowly, Olympic Waterloo had chances which were blocked or saved. In the last 20 mins we started to find our passing game and started creating lots of chances which their large but agile keeper kept saving. First half over and with the score at 0-0, Jeff and Dav rolled the dice and made the bold move of making all 3 subs at half time - with the injured Andy P, injured Tom S and Owain making way for Adam, Chris and Nick.
The start of the second half was again a closely fought contest with both me and the other keeper having to make saves to keep the teams in it. Olympic Waterloo played a ball through the defence - who all thought they were playing for Arsenal - they stopped and put their hands in the air to call the offside, yet the whistle never came. I charged out towards the attacker only to see him lift the ball over my head. Nick sprinted back to meet the ball, only to coolly watch the ball bounce wide of the post.
We had chances cleared off the line, block and saved. Atholl corner the ref shouts, ball is placed in the corner arc by Diogo. Jeff meets the ball at the back of the box and plays it back across. Mick gets on the end of it and aims it towards the goal line. Dav leaps like a salmon and headers the ball, clearly thinking about how to celebrate this certain goal, watches as his bullet header goes narrowly goes over the crossbar.
Olympic waterloo had the ball down the right. As Mick wins the ball off them, there is a loud BANG from the bushes. Mick goes face down in the dirt, getting his weekly facial treatment (that redtube would be proud of) on the 75th minute of game, holding his hamstring.
The Sniper really has had it in for Mick, attacking him in the last 3 games. Mick gets up with his facial treatment over, Olympic Waterloo break down their left hand side cross into the box, I step out to meet this cross with a loud shout “KEEPERS!!!!!!” only for the ball to slip through my hands. After a scramble, and a not so quiet murmur of "Oh fuck" from me, it luckily gets cleared away. The ball falls to their striker who shoots at goal. I tip the ball round the post only for some dirt to get stuck in my eye. Dav runs over and asks if he can pour water over my eye, which works a treat. As Dav walks away, he throws out some gay banter by saying “that’s the first time I’ve squirted over a guy’s face before.”
Both teams were tired and the game was starting to become end to end. When the ref blew the final whistle, it confirmed my second clean sheet of the week and the first of many for Atholl.
The team collapsed together off the field to discuss the match and decide Man of the Match. The nominations were Mick and I. We both got 7 votes each. We needed a tiebreaker - many suggestions were made, such as drinking contest or a fight to the death (didn’t fancy those against an Irishman). I suggest an penalty shootout, remembering my audacious chip in the penalty shootout against the old boys. Jeff decided to pick me as "my distribution was good", which is Northern Irish for "Mick got it last week so you can have it this week."
Read next week’s match report to find out the answers to the following:
I can keep another cleans sheet?
Will Mick be attacked by a sniper again?
Will Atholl score a goal?
Will we be back in blue?
Who will be writing the match report?
By the way whoever is doing fantasy football point can you do it this week and publish a table as I want to see myself on top of the table as it will probably be the only time I’ll be up there. I’m sure if Jeff got 50points for 3 goals at the end of last season a clean sheet at this level for myself and the defenders is 100 points each.
Carl
