Rudyard Kipling once wrote the famous lines:
"Yours is the earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a man, my son"
Kiplings lines could not be more apt. for the stage at Shrub End Colchester tonight. Tainted Quim FC knew promotion was within their grasp if they could pull off a quite spectacular performance. The lads knew it was tonight that they needed to stand up and be counted against Championship minnows Borussia Teeth - currently lying pointless at the bottom of the table. Quim were able to call upon part-time squaddie, full-time polo shirt wearer and resident p**dophile Toby Reid's services for the final fixture of the spring campaign.
The game started with Borussia Teeth frustrating the Missoula Warriors with their hopeless passing game and second rate sunday league chat. Quim knew going in that they would have to overturn an 8 goal deficit to Two Left Feet to win the Championship which seemed to affect some of the quality demonstrated in the final third. Quim also knew going in that Teeth had a reputation for being prize cunts, therefore the desire for an early goal or two added to the teams frustration and fuelled Williams' inevitable temper tantrums.
Quim dominated the first half however with nothing to show for it other than a few stud marks on their shins. Half-time came and Quim knew this was where they needed to stand up and be counted, a strong campaign culminating in defeat to the leagues worst side would have been devastating. This shared determination compiled with a few nibbles from Teeth's textbook bricklayer centre back united the side and came out in the seconda half firing on all cylinders. Some neat combination play between Frost and Punshon put the side 1-0 up, Frost crucially breaking the deadlock and giving the team something money can't buy - hope.
Teeth's heads were sropping and they were resorting to playground tactics trying to rile the technically superior Quim players up. In an attempt to put this to bed, however, Williams - still feeling the effects of a late night passionate hand holding session - arrived later than Daryl to predrinks with a quite horrendous tackle on arguably their kindest and weakest Alexis Sanchez wannabe player. Clearly his dads philosiphy of hurting either the youngest or smallest player/person in any confrontational situation was rubbing off.
Quim were really starting to click now, and a superb solo effort from Punshon made it 2-0 with a fierce strike into the bottom corner with the laces - proper ACP technique. Teeth were rattled and were trying anything and everything to gatecrash this Quim Blitzkrieg - arguably metaphor of the season - kimcking lumps out of Frost, Punshon and Cooke. This only appeared to bring the best out of the Quim players. Punshon once again down the left hand side whipped a cross in hard and low leaving Williams with the simplest of tap ins passed Max Brannings fat ugly older brother in goal.
NOT ANOTHER?! Yes. Teeth were throwing bodies forward in a desperate attempt to get back into the game, however Matters in goal had now woken up and was batting away these opportunities like he bats away herds of lovestruck 18 year olds in Missoula on a Thursday night. It was this alertness that set Quim up on the counter with some neat one touch play freeing stretch to strike first time with a finish reminiscent of his time with PMS LADS FC in their 07/08 district conquering campaign.
Despite playing some of their best football to date in the famous colours of claret and blue Quim were unable to find another in the short time they had left. It was always going to be a nigh on imossible feat to overturn the eight goal deficit even when up against some of the worst footballers Boda has seen since Dylan Massee Ryan last wore bendy boots. However they can come off the back of this campaign with heads held high and renewed confidence going into next season - which may well be in the top division. A well deserved MOM from Sean Seanshon, on reflection Frost had a few words to say about tonights events:
"Ref's a c**t, centre back's a c**t, Tubs is still and always will be a c**t. No more questions"
#upthequim
