10.14am Referee Joseph Starlin screams for the Albion kit man to produce the away strip immediately or he will be shot. Luckily the kit man failed to show so Albion offer to play in their pants. Referee Starlin is not amused and beats a local old lady in front of the team.
10.15am The manager of Letchworth Albion stares down at his team sheet, three no shows. They don’t get this down at Stevenage! At least they have the bare eleven.
10.15am and 30 seconds: Gaffer my backs gone, top winger Checkitts looks in serious distress, Albion have 10 fit players, Luckily Peterbix has been in fine form and fills the void of two players.
10.20am Albion’s very own Ian Beale, chip shop entrepreneur and all round complete midfielder Tony Davies appears, Albion backup to a squad of 11
10.21am Referee Starlin strangles a dog for running onto the pitch in front of the home fans.
10.22am Screams of pain ring out from the Albion dressing room as skilful centre forward Matt Morris is informed he will have to play centre back due to the no shows.
10.23am Captain Rikki Holland complains of a serious case of the sniffles, with no subs the manager has no choice but to play him.
10.24am Away kit located in managers boot, team still ordered to play in their pants by Referee Starlin.
10.27am Phone call from multi talented hard man James Parkins misses, I’ve just found him in the gutter with a picture of Dan Prowse, some horse tranquilizer, his pants round his ankles and a half used box of Kleenex.
10.30am Kick off, an emotional 15 minutes is over for the manager.
10.31am Rob Curry slots home a fine left footed drive. 1-0
10.32am Referee Starlin awards a penalty to Locomotive Preston after a tackle by Porno Ian on the half way line. Any argument with the referee results in death. 1-1
10.40am Dave Mc Kay pulling the strings, Rob Curry slots home another fine finish 2-1
10.41am Referee Starlin awards a penalty to Locomotive Preston due to Albion taking the lead. 2-2
11.00am Locomotive score again as Albion fail to clear the ball after 58 opportunities. 3-2
11.15am Half time
11.31am Rob curry Albions one man band scores again. 3-3
11.32am Boozy defending allows Locomotive Preston in for another. 4-3
11.43am Porno Ian gets cut in half, Referee Starlin has to award a free kick. Henry brings out the wand. 4-4
11.44am The manager re shuffles his pack sensing blood
11.45am Peterbix nearly kills himself while making a crunching tackle
11.50 Long throw from Curry, hooked to the back post by Henry to give Captain Rikki sniffles Holland an open goal, Tony Davis nips into make sure getting there first. Sniffles turn to tears.
12.00pm Henrys header cleared off the line, Morris follows up, rebound falls to that man Curry. Albion players hump Peterbix in delight.
6-4!!
12.05pm Final whistle. Incredible spirit shown by the Albion who never gave up, fine performances from all, Morris outstanding at the back begs his manager to never play him there again.
14.18pm Tuesday. Semi Pro Dan Prowse informs his manager he won’t be making the game. Reports confirm he is shattered and lost track of days after borrowing the Albion captains penis pump.
