This week's showdown featured the Knights taking on Methley United Veterans, a team that were playing in the top flight last season, armed with enough experience to make the Knights' optimism look like something from a Disney movie. Pre-match, local football agent and self-styled pundit, Ste Donaghue, dropped in to share his insights. "Methley? Decent side," he mused. "But the Knights should have their number. Not to be bold, but I’m thinking 5-0 to the Knights." Moments later, he was fielding a call about needing players for every day of the week, possibly for every sport. We appreciated his time... sort of.
Spoiler alert: Yeah, no, that 5-0 prediction didn’t age well. In fact, it barely survived kick-off.
The game started with the Knights trying out a kick-off routine straight out of the Premier League (or National League) playbook - no doubt inspired by this weeks Match of the Day highlights. The ball played back to Ollie, who delivered a beautiful long ball (you’d have thought he had Bluetooth synced with Dom’s head) down the left flank. "El Giganto" (Dom) did his best Peter Crouch impression, nodding it into the danger zone. Keith, the Knights' version of a Swiss Army knife, scrambled for it. Unfortunately, that’s when reality kicked in - Methley’s defence intervened quicker than a fat kid eats cake.
High point achieved. Match report could end here. But that would be unfair to the loyal three readers of these recaps (thanks, Aunt Betty).
To be fair and to the Knights’ credit, they started brightly. Myke found himself flagged offside a few times, with at least one call so questionable it had more doubt than Anthony Joshua’s chin and Liam Gallagher’s singing at Wembley last weekend combined. Keith, Bobsy, and Barber were buzzing around the Methley defence, like wasps around your pint in a beer garden. But chances were hard to come by, especially when the ball refused to drop nicely for Barber, who couldn’t get a clear shot at goal.
Defensively, the Knights were solid. Well, solid-ish. Hopes of a half time lead were kept alive when Myke smashed a strike from distance, forcing the Methley keeper into a save that looked shakier than me walking through the lingerie section... with the missus along side me..... as a glance in the direction of a 10/10 sizing up a lace corset against her ample chest :s
The resulting corner? Well, let’s just say it looked like a wrestling match broke out in the Methley box. "El Giganto" found himself in the middle of a rear-naked choke, a kimura, and possibly a Peruvian Necktie - though VAR is still reviewing the footage. Methley’s defence cleared the ball with ease, and just like that, opportunity knocked and walked away.
Methley, sensing the Knights' blood in the water, started to find their rhythm, moving the ball with the kind of ease that made the Knights' defending look more like Benny Hill in fast-forward. The first few corners were dealt with, but then the Knights, channeling the spirit of George Michael in an LA public toilet (relaxed and unaware of the danger about to present itself), let the smallest player on the pitch nod home at the back post like it was a casual Sunday kickabout. 1-0 Methley. The Knights’ dream was suddenly in tatters like an IKEA wardrobe built without instructions.
Half time arrived without further disaster, though Bobsy did rattle the crossbar from distance, proving that if the Knights were going to score, they’d probably have to do it the hard way. Looking for inspiration, Adam made the decision to introduce Lordy into proceedings to try make a difference. The 15 seconds he had before half time failed to get the desired result.
The half time team talk was the usual: "More of the same lads, just without the ‘switching off like me when the missus talks about when are we getting married?" Substitutions were made, with Orzel stepping in, hopefully receiving enough passes this week to break into single digits. The second half began with, well, more of the same but worse. Methley (from an innocuous throw in) broke through the Knights’ defence like Moses parting the Red Sea - except this time, there was no salvation on the other side. 2-0 Methley, and the Knights were starting to look like that product you didn't need but bought off Temu (cheap, ineffective and possibly in danger of breaking down).
Confidence drained faster than Everton fans checking out League table, and the Knights struggled to threaten the Methley goal. To make matters worse, Ollie broke down with an injury, and Lordy followed suit, claiming, "I shouldn’t have played tonight" - no arguments from the crowd there (sorry Lordy, you made that one too easy but it probably stands for most of the team).
Then came the final blow. Dan, channeling his inner Roberto Carlos, tried an ambitious outside-of-the-boot clearance. It sliced awkwardly, ending up perfectly for the Methley striker, who accepted the gift like it was an introductory offer from Hello Fresh (other providers are available, and we would be happy to accept more sponsors). 3-0 Methley. Game. Set. Match. Cue the tumbleweeds.
The rest of the game saw the Knights huff and puff but to no avail. A goal would have been a nice consolation prize, but Methley deserved the win. Lessons learned: switching off at crucial moments is bad, and predictions from Ste D should be filed under "fiction."
A genuine hope you are better today (or asap) and back next week to Paul who had to miss out this week (first and last time you will get some genuine sentiment from these reports).
Let’s roll on to South Milford in two weeks. Probably won’t predict a 5-0 win this time though…
