EDITOR’S NOTE: The following match report of Leeds Phoenix Knights vs East End Park WMC Vets (EEP) is a somewhat faithful recollection. The order of goals may be slightly out of sync because, let’s be honest, it’s been two weeks since the game, and memory’s a tricky thing. However, all ridicule is entirely accurate.
The Knights’ debut in the Winter League. 9pm kickoff. Against a team with more acronyms than letters: East End Park WMC Vets (EEP).
The starting lineup looked like this:
GK: MJ (after a candid admission: "All I had was pace, and now that’s gone, so I’ll go back to playing in goal") RB: Dan CB: Keebs CB: Muzz LB: Jezz DCM: Ollie RW: Barber CM: Javi AMC: Ben LW: Paul (Definitely played despite initial edit removing all trace of him) CF: Myke Sub: Dom, Keith
The game kicked off with both teams trading blows, end to end like an inter gender MMA bout with each team taking its turn at being the disadvantaged fighter. The Knights, despite opposition claims of going long to Myke (long passes please), were looking the more dangerous. Myke, Ben, and Paul were circling the EEP defense like a flock of seagulls over a dropped chip. Ollie, pinged balls (do it more Ollie - ed) over the top while Dan and Barber ran their socks off, causing EEP to panic.
As happens in football, chances were created. And just as predictably, they were missed. MJ, feeling like prime Shilton, pulled off some stellar saves, while Myke and Ben worked hard to make sure any promising opportunity ended up wide or high.
It looked like the Knights would go into half-time level—until a momentary lapse of concentration, combined with some decent play by EEP, led to a goal. 1-0 down. The cruel mistress that is football had slapped backsides of the Knights, and they hadn't even paid for the privilege.
But, as fate would have it, the Knights are a bunch of optimists (or masochists, depending on how you look at it). At half-time, the mood remained strangely upbeat. Apparently, the squad's browsing history revealed a taste for cruel and sadistic punishment, so spirits were high. The plan was simple: keep doing what we’re doing, stay calm, and don’t do anything silly. Enter Gaffer Jinx, master tactician, who made one critical change. Inverted full-backs? Nope. Italia 90 style Sweeper system? Nada. Three Bears Defensive Line? Absolutely. Hold a line thats, not too deep, not too high, but jussst right.
The defenders responded with the kind of confusion usually reserved for when your kid starts talking about TikTok trends like "Skibidi Rizz." Muzz and Keebs decided to abandon the theoretical and stick to good old-fashioned play it as it comes.
Back to the game. EEP threatened early, but the Knights quickly took control. Then, in a moment of pure footballing magic, Ben won the ball in midfield and nudged it to (it may have bounced off him - ed) Keith. With the grace of a man who trained with the Bolshoi Ballet, Keith dodged a couple of agricultural tackles, stepped up, and unleashed an absolute missile from 25 yards out (will increase over time). The keeper? No chance. BANG! 1-1, game on!
The Knights, energised by their equaliser, piled forward, and soon the Knights had their noses in front. Ben, now getting into the groove, slipped through a slide-rule pass to Myke, who finally hit the back of the net. 2-1. Scenes.!
Now, anyone with a basic knowledge of football knows what to do when you take the lead in the second half: slow the game down, keep possession, and for the love of all that is sacred, do not give the opposition cheap chances.
Naturally, the Knights ignored this entirely.
Instead, in a masterclass of self-sabotage, they chose to let EEP score not one, not two, but three goals in the space of four minutes. It was like watching a deer in headlights - if the deer had been juggling hand grenades. Call it panic, call it "The Shitening," but the Knights found themselves trailing 4-2 faster than you can say, "What the fuck happened?".
For a moment, it looked like a thrashing was on the cards. EEP seemed content to sit back and protect their lead, while the Knights scrambled to piece their shattered morale back together. Fortunately, the Knights are a resilient bunch. Shaken but not stirred, they got back on the attack.
Having forced a couple of good saves and blocks from EPP, the Knights won a corner. Myke whipped in a corner that demanded something heroic at the near post. Enter Dom, who defied all expectations (his, yours, his families, eveyones) by stooping so low you'd think he was auditioning for fake taxi. He headed the ball in to make it 4-3. Game back on, and the Knights were alive again!
Time ticked away as the Knights searched desperately (like a single bloke does in the last 30 minutes a club is open) for an equaliser. They pressed and probed, threatening to claw back what would have been a deserved point. But alas, football, like life, is often unfair. The final whistle blew, and the Knights were left with a 4-3 defeat that stung just a little more because of those four disastrous minutes.
Still, positives aplenty. Myke, Ben, Paul and Keith all put in solid shifts. Ollie held the midfield like a man on a mission, while MJ had a cracking game in goal. Sure, they lost, but there was fight, there was promise, and most importantly - there was a lot of (in Doms case, slow) running.
Onwards and upwards. This is only the beginning.
Up the Knights!
(Disclaimer: The 4 minutes where we conceded three goals? Yeah, everyone’s getting a pass on that... because no one played a blinder during "The Shitening".)
MOTM Votes: Myke - 5 Ollie - 3 Ben - 3
