If ever the BBC wanted justification why they removed “One Man and His Dog” from the TV schedules then you just had to be at Micklefield Park on Sunday for the reason.
Midway through the second half with the game lulling to an inevitable home win a sheepdog appeared from nowhere and decided to lie down ready to herd the match ball around the pitch. For 1 minute it was funny. After 2 minutes and with no sign of the owner it became tiresome. After 3 minutes there was nearly a riot. Never has a by passer been subjected to such ridicule from 21 players ( Tino had been sent off by then ) as the owners attempts to get the dog off the pitch merely exacerbated the situation. I certainly don’t recall the farmers running away from the dog to get it to follow them when I watched that “classic” BBC show. I remember in Tom & Jerry that the bulldog Spike used to appear and chase Tom while that woman with the broom screamed, “THOMAS! THOMAS!” really loud. You knew then who was in charge.
But this fella had no concept of ownership. It was almost like the real owner had gone to church and asked this poor bloke, “Listen mate, can you just look after my dog for an hour? Promise, he’ll be no trouble” And as he walked down the aisle to take his place on his pew before the first hymn started he suddenly remembers. “I forgot to tell him not to take him off his lead”
And so it was that the sheepdog, let’s call him Frank, would have had a look of barely concealed glee as this unsuspecting dog sitter let him off his lead. Haring off into Micklefield Park you can imagine there was some inspiring classical music playing in Frank’s head as he ran and ran like he had never ran before. All the spectators heard was "Woof, woof"
And the chap will have watched this dog run off and he’d be thinking, “Look at him go!”. Then it would be, “He is coming back isn’t he?” And then the growing feeling from the pit of his stomach of, “Shit, he’s not coming back, what do I do?”
Well the suggestions from the players on the pitch were quite varied ranging from Smex’s suggestion of grabbing Frank by the scruff of the neck ( PC Machell surely had the most experience here ) to someone who shall remain nameless suggesting that we should shoot Frank. Now, I don’t know where the gun was going to come from. I’m hoping not from the pitch as the match officials before the game should not only be checking that all jewellery is removed and that studs are not sharpened but surely that someone hasn’t tucked a shotgun down their sock. Sunday’s referee looked barely old enough to have been served in the Yorkshire Rose pub so probably spends a lot of time on his Xbox playing Call of Duty or Halo. He must know what a shotgun looks like surely?
Who would think or utter such nasty thoughts? All eyes turned to Gaffer Sutton on the touchline. He had only just been released from Guantanamo Bay so surely wouldn’t be foolish enough to do such a thing. This time though he was innocent. At that moment he was stealing some cigs from Andy Davey’s pockets while he warmed up.
All eyes turned to Scott. He wasn’t between the sticks where he should have been. Where was he? “He’s in the trees” shrieked someone. And so he was. Camouflaged beautifully. He’d not survived Stalingrad without picking up one or two things on the way. The sniper scope barely visible as he took aim at Frank. “Noooooooooo” screamed Dicky, “How Much is that Doggy in the Window” Machell as he flung himself in the line of fire. “You can slag off Westlife. You can slag off X-Factor but I draw the line at shooting a dog.” Frank looked on grinning like a shot fox.
As it was there was no animal cruelty on show or even any pot-shots at the pooch. Just Frank enjoying his freedom lying on the pitch, wagging his tail wondering when someone would kick the ball so he could chase it. And a bewildered man on the side wondering why 21 people in football kit were shouting at him and also why Frank was lying in a clearly offside position.
So, he did a bizarre thing. He copied Frank. He started running away too. He ran and ran. He forgot about Frank, he forgot about the football pitch, he forgot about the time when he was 8 and got a question wrong at school and pissed himself with shame. He was free now. Soaring classical music started playing in his head as he ran. I’m thinking the music would be different in his head to the music that was playing in Frank’s head. Maybe something along the lines of “The Sound of Music” while Frank’s might be the theme tune to “The Benny Hill Show”.
His freedom was to prove short-lived though as Frank, obviously a smart canine had taken heed of the threats coming his way from the pitch and made his escape from the hallowed turf and chased after his temporary guardian into the streets of Rawdon never to be seen again.
And the thoughts of the 21,201 spectators turned to the more mundane matters of events on the pitch.
Rose won 6-1 with goals from Dan (2), Tatts, PC Machell, JT and Andy Davey.
It was a cold Sunday morning in January.
OTHER NEWS
Gaffer Sutton has been released from Guantanamo Bay after a month’s incarceration after admitting to burning the club shop down. “You have served your time” said the prison warden, “Now, any chance you can get me some cheap fags from duty free?”
4 months after busting his ankle Mark Levine finally paid a visit to the doctors for a professional opinion. “Yep, it’s fucked” said Dr Z.Ligament. Levine will miss the rest of the season sadly.
The Cup Game at Rawdon Old Boys finally goes ahead this weekend. Supporters Coaches leave Micklefield at 9.30am for the trip to Rawdon. Please be prompt as they are expecting massive queues at the mini roundabout at The Emmotts.
Congratulations to Darren Machell who earned a promotion this week at work. For what reason I hear you ask? He successfully managed to eat 5 Dunkin’ Doughnuts while simultaneously clocking a Sierra Sapphire driving at 45 mph down Otley Road.
February’s home game against Milford will be shown live on BBC1 at 11am. This slot is usually filled by Countryfile and I’ve heard John Craven is kicking off about it. Ste McD has had to field many irate calls from Mr Craven. “Newsround was shit John, what makes you think I give a crap what you think?” said the diplomatic McD
