It was like the final scene in Blackadders Goes Forth. Muddy bodies clambering over the top for one final push. The blue shirts of Yorkshire Rose were black. The bodies were weary but could they muster one final burst of energy? The ball from JT found PC Machell. The windscreen wipers on his Panda were on overdrive as he drove into the penalty area. He was wildly halted in his tracks though by a desperate tackle from behind and Rose got their 98th penalty of the season. The score was 2-1 and Rose’s unbeaten run looked to be going.
Could Yorkshire’s Copper of the Year 1978, 1994 and 2008 save the day? Could the Smash Hits Best Haircut 2003 Winner keep his nerve? Could TV Quick’s March 1999 Crossword Winner even find the penalty spot?
The referee who had seen conditions like this when in Vietnam with Smex in ’69 pointed to a bit of mud. “Put it there son”. PC Machell did so. Turned his Walkie Talkie to silent and stepped up. Boom!! Into the bottom corner. The 2500 brave visiting fans erupted and the Rose unbeaten run continued.
It was a miracle the game went ahead. The rain was teeming down on Bradford. The original pitch was underwater and the one that was eventually played on was disappearing under water quickly. The referee was having none of it though and showing an enthusiasm only matched in West Yorkshire by Kris Sutton d the game on to the astonishment of all. I am not convinced he had inspected the whole pitch though as the goalmouth Phil Rhodes was patrolling in the first half was also home to a gaggle of geese that were swimming around merrily.
The team news was that Rhodes retained his place in goal with JT making a cameo appearance in the centre of what was left of the park. Ste McD made a welcome return to the fold with a freshly washed knee brace and took his place on the bench.
Rose started brightly and forced the early pressure. From their first corner they scored. Dicky “Hello, you fool. I love you, come on and join the Joyride” Machell floated in a corner and appearing at the far post like a leaping gazelle, like a 13 year old when he first realises he is in love and jumps for joy, like Buttons when his Morrison’s carrier bag was upgraded to a JD Sports bag and he leapt to the heavens, like a salmon swimming up a waterfall or like “fvcking Superman” as Dav succinctly put. It was JT! At school, under “Heading” the teacher had written, “must try harder”. Well, Dave Geldart take that son. Like a bullet the ball slammed off JT’s head and flew in. JT had no time to celebrate as he skidded off the pitch, down the hill, past the old cinema and into Shipley itself. It was like he was reliving his days on the blue slide at Richard Dunne Sports Centre. 1-0 Rose.
Buttons, who had been clobbered early on by what looked like an extra from The Lord of the Rings shrugged off his injury to go close with the two Machells also testing the Halfway keeper.
However, against the run of play Halfway equalised when a long ball through was not dealt with and the striker neatly rolled it past the despairing dive of Phil. As the half came to a close it was Halfway on top. Smex and Neil at the heart of the defence repelled most of the attacks with Arran and Jimmy offering no room down the flanks. Smex was experiencing flashbacks to his ‘Nam days as conditions worsened. In goal Phil admirably coped with a couple of pot shots and was alert to a through ball towards the end of the half but in the process was clattered by the Halfway forward. A huge roar was heard from Phil like when Tigger turns into Battlecat in He-Man as he held his leg in pain.
At the break Phil was in no state to carry on and Scott had the dubious honour of stepping into Phil’s soaked kit and also witnessing at close quarters Phil’s outrageous leopard print boxer shorts. Andy Davey replaced Dicky on the left who was probably glad he didn’t have to play on the left in the 2nd half as the geese had transferred to this part of the pitch. Dicky went and sat in the car and listened to his Bananarama tape.
Indeed, the pitch was bordering on unplayable as players from both sides slipped their way through the mud. Kris and JT sinking lower and lower into the centre of the pitch. Jimmy and PC Machell probably having the best of the conditions on the right were linking up well.
But it was Halfway who took the lead as another through ball caught the away side square and the striker finished neatly.
Rose were up against it but kept on battling. Tatts and Buttons continued to feed off what scraps they could. On the sidelines the Gaffer’s cigarettes had long gone soggy, his voice lost in the swirling wind and rain. Head in hands he watched as Neil met one of Jimmy’s long throws and flicked it inches wide, he fell to his knees and raised his arms to the sky to curse whoever was up there. There probably wasn’t anyone as nobody in their right mind would be doing anything other than staying in on a day like this one.
It looked to be over for Rose until PC Machell skidded across his bonnet, climbed in his Panda, patted Jimmy’s wolf on its head and made one last drive into the area.
It worked though and with the net still quivering from his unerring penalty the teams waded off to share the spoils at 2 goals apiece.
OTHER NEWS
Stuck in the Mud – has anyone seen Davlin Sutton? He was last seen slowly sinking in some mud in Shipley on Sunday. “It was like I was watching the end of Terminator again” said Arran from his position at left back.
Ticket to Ride – the coaches for our away game at Rawdon will now leave Rawdon at 10am and not 10.30am as previously stated. Supporters are advised to travel on the official coaches as apparently it’s quite a trek.
Caught By The Fuzz? – PC Darren Machell has still not given up home of tracking down the club shop arsonist. Despite suspecting Tasmin Archer, an anonymous tip off phoned through to Andy “Wake Up With” Davey at Radio Rose has indicated “an inside job”. PC Machell will be interviewing the back 4 and midfield at half time on Sunday. Jimmy’s wolf will be tackling the forwards and substitutes. And the Gaffer.
The Birdie Song – Congratulations to Neil Guy who won the Pro-Celebrity Golf Tournament last weekend. He and his partner Ronnie Corbett edged out Ben Sutton and partner Terry Wogan on the final green. You can watch the highlights on Saturday night before Strictly Come Dancing on BBC1.
The Name of the Game – In a controversial move our home ground of Micklefield Park has been renamed. “It’s a credit crunch innit” said the Gaffer between drags, “We need to get some money into the club and this was the only way to do it. Thanks to our kind sponsors.”
From now on the ground will be known as girlfriendoutallalonewanttoknockoneoutthenclickhere@micklefieldpark Stadium.
Did You Know……..that you can see the moon from The Great Wall of China.
