Just looking at the stats that Sutton has posted here. Nelly Guy got 3 assists?! He only played 45 minutes! That has to be wrong surely!? I don’t recall many marauding runs or whipped in crosses from our Anton Sibierski lookalike!
The reason I don’t remember this though is because I’d probably dozed off because after 20 minutes we were 4 up and the game was over. Red Lion were in cruise control for the majority of this game as we racked up an impressive 11 ( eleven ) goals. The opposition report says it was 12 goals – it might well have been. It could have been double that.
Your correspondent and Dan arrived at the ground at 6.15 to find the bulk of the squad was already changed and warming up. There was no sign of the home team, only a couple of lads who had popped out after their tea ( fishfingers, chips and beans ) for a game of footie before their mum told them to go to bed.
Parry cut a sorry figure as the pre-match warm up he had devised the night before involving poles, tunnels, see-saws and a guillotine turned into the team punting hopeful shots at Adam in goal much to his disgust.
When the home side did turn up they must have been slightly intimidated by the sight of their opponents. Such organisation had only ever been seen in this part of South Leeds during the BNP Marches.
The pitch could be best described as a goat’s wet dream. Long grass everywhere. Rather than a painted centre circle it was a trench from the First World War. There was broken glass and dog dirt everywhere. Red Lion eyed it warily apart from Parry who was looking at ways to incorporate the dog dirt into the warm-up somehow. Overlooking the pitch were 2 great big, intimidating tower blocks. It was a lovely backdrop.
The pre-match pep talk was conducted by Dr David Sutton. I don’t know if anyone else has spotted it but there is something permanently attached to his ear nowadays. I think he has been watching too much Star Trek or something. I don’t know what it does. It’s like a futuristic ear muff. Or maybe it just plays music so it drowns out the chatter from the team. The Best of the Bay City Rollers I bet. Or Dire Straits.
The game kicked off with Smex again winning the toss. The referee, clad in a salmon pink Ralph Lauren shirt reluctantly blew the whistle. Bish, bash, bosh it was 1-0.
Tatts. 5 minutes later a penalty. PC Machell made it 2-0. Tip, tap, whack – 3-0. Dan.
Hoof, control, miscue, slice, GOAL! Kris Sutton fluke. 4-0.
The 17,126 strong crowd were stunned to silence. Their heroes were been giving a bit of a lesson. The home side’s back four was as flimsy as Davlin’s excuses when he gets in at 3am. I don’t know who got the assists to be honest ( but I’m not having that Nellie Guy stat!! ) but it just seemed through ball after through ball went to Tatts or Dan who seemed to have their finishing boots on.
The poor lad in the home goal who had agreed to the game with Kris Sutton must have been regretting his decision as he held up the net for the 7th time to get the ball out. How he will ever show his face at work again I don’t know.
So, it was 7 nil at the break. I suppose I better mention our 2 centre halves having stunning games, keeping it tight at the back etc etc but in all honesty the most taxing thing Ste Mid had to do was react to Smex’s Kings Gambit opening move in the impromptu game of chess they had started as all the action was at the other end. Adam in nets found time to continue on his Airfix.
Some changes were made at the break but the one way traffic continued. Dan already had a hatrick and Tatts was miffed to only have 2 at half time. That soon changed though as he got a couple more. Again, no idea on the assists but I’m taking Sutton’s stats with a large pinch of salt. Parry got one I think which was one of the better team goals. Even Levine nearly scored with his right foot. At the other end Ste Mid was trying to outflank Smex’s queen with a classic knight, rook combo.
What else happened? Erm……Tatts didn’t square a ball for a certain Si Hollins tap in. I’m pretty sure Si will have muttered an expletive at that point. Arron whistled one past the upright. Matty Larkins was the referee in the second half and he gave some nonsense decisions. JT kept looking at his car to make sure nobody had stolen it.
As Darth Vadar once ( incorrectly ) said it was “all too easy” before he tried to trap Luke Skywalker in that frozen chamber kind of thing in Empire Strikes Back.
The best that could be said about the game was that the level of fitness seemed to be there and there was some nice football played in parts. But in all honesty the opposition wasn’t up to much and a proper test will be Westfield at the weekend.
The big news story after the game though was back at the Red Lion. Some Yorkshire puds and mince were laid on for the victorious team. However, Nellie Guy was having none of it. He elected to dip his ladle into the chilli which was “for the women only” said one of the three women in the pub. Nellie is now barred from the pub.
Davlin celebrated his birthday with a few shots and we watched the 2nd half of the England game. With subtitles for those that needed it.
