Following weeks of meticulous preparation, FC Five Fathers yesterday made their long-awaited debut in the 11-a-side arena as Division 4 combatants Cutnall Green entertained arguably football’s most exciting new franchise. As the sun rose over Cutnall Green, illuminating the myriad of dandelions, buttercups and daisies that would shortly make up the ‘pitch’, a disjointed convoy of youth and senior athletes arrived in various states of alcohol-induced pain.
As George Lavalette led the players onto the pitch amid much sniggering and ridicule due to his personalised tracksuit, the significance of the occasion finally dawned upon the team as the topics of conversation turned more serious (‘What the hell is Sam wearing on his feet?’, ‘Why did our captain not bring any shin pads?’, ‘Can I go for a dump behind that tree?’, ‘Seriously, is George ACTUALLY wearing a personalised tracksuit?’)
Following a brief warm-up which only served to highlight that Tom did not know his right foot from his left, the game was soon underway. Cutnall Green, full of confidence after observing the Green Army (who incidentally were playing blue) limbering up, smelt blood and immediately took the game to their opposition. The back four of Dan W, Dan S, Nick and Lewis H stood up valiantly to the barrage, and did an excellent job of protecting Pete in goal, who later admitted he’d never played 11-a-side before.
Further up the field things weren’t going as smoothly, with the overgrown playing ‘surface’ (which more closely resembled the African savannah) causing disruption to the infamous slick passing moves that the Fathers had been rehearsing in training (once they’d stopped firing in free kicks at Dan W in goal). Sam and Tom on the wings all too often found themselves tripping over vine-like weeds and other vegetation, while the central triangle of Rob, Ian and Oli were instead having to resort to knocking the ball over the oppositions back line to lone striker Leigh when they did occasionally find it hidden in the undergrowth.
Then all of a sudden, without a single shot previously being recorded on Cutnall’s redundant goal, FC Five Fathers took the lead. The hosts failed to clear their lines from a free kick, and Oli pounced upon the loose ball from 20 yards out and sent it screaming back towards goal. The ball dipped and weaved through the air (Oli has yet to confirm how many of the different directions it took were intentional) before ripping into the roof of the home team’s net, nearly decapitating their keeper in the process.
The crowd went wild. So did the Cutnall Green players who couldn’t quite understand how they were losing.
As the first half was coming to a close, both Adie and Lewis B entered the fray and helped see the Fathers through to the halfway point with their lead intact. The break in play signalled the departure of a number of key personnel, including George, for a variety of disappointingly poor excuses (ranging from ‘work’, to ‘lunch with mum’).
Without the sort of leadership on the sidelines that could only be provided by someone sporting a personalised tracksuit, the second half surprisingly started off very positively, with FC Five Fathers clearly buoyed by their shock lead. New recruit Chris, fresh from the set of Hollyoaks, was finding space on the left, while on the opposite wing Rob was frustrating players old enough to be his dad (and grandad). Dan M, who found himself playing a deeper role than usual, was also dazzling the opposition, but this was due more to the sickeningly lime green footwear he was wearing than anything else.
As end of the game drew near, chances grew few and far between for both teams. The only memorable events ranging from the sublime (a slick passing move down the right hand side involving Ian and Rob culminating in a shot/cross which Leigh somehow failed to convert) to the downright ridiculous (Ian already winning the award for ‘Most Ambitious Shot of the Season’ as he decided to volley the goalkeeper’s clearance goalward as it dropped out of the sky some 45 yards out – needless to say, it caused more trouble to some young spectators who had to retrieve the ball from a nearby hedge than it did the host’s goalkeeper…)
Unfortunately the Fathers’ legs did not hold out until the final whistle. A headed goal by Cutnall Green from a corner was shortly followed by an agonising last-minute winner being poked home from a tight angle which broke the hearts of all Fathers fans across the globe.
As the young (and old) warriors dragged their bodies off the pitch, consolation was found as thoughts soon turned to the pub. Another disjointed convoy later, the majority of players had found their way back to the Old Mug to top up on any alcoholic fluids that were lost during the match and to take the piss out of each other’s performances in true FC Five Fathers spirit. Well done lads!!!
Man of the Match – Nick
Next match – Northwick Vale (Division 1) 21/08/11
