FADE IN
SATURDAY 25TH FEB 2012 11.30AM:
INT. A BEDROOM IN CROUCH END
A man with a body like an adonis sits on the edge of a bed and stands, bleary eyed, to crack open the grey metal blinds, searing sun pours through causing him to squint and raise an arm to shield his retinas from the glare.
He takes a step back and turns to reveal its Danny Baker, PPR winger/stat man.
DANNY BAKER
Its sunny today. Game on.
INT. Regents Park Changing Room No.9
North London Amateur Professional football team Priory Park Rangers gather around in anticipation as a black kit bag is opened and blue kits are handedout, with a fresh Belushi's sponsor on the front.
The team are excited for the first opportunity to wear their home kit withpride, a hard fought 1-0 win last week has raised their spirits and theycan't wait to carry on back in the winning ways on this glorious day.
Phil Allan, renowned psychopath stands up.
We see a close up of his face, contorted in anger.
PHIL ALLAN Who has stolen my FUCKING shirt?!
We pull back to reveal Phil standing in his shirt and boxers.He looks down, then up sheepishly.
PHIL ALLAN Nevermind.
MUSIC. Joker and The Thief by Wolfmother plays
We see manager Carsten Tomkins delivering a stirring pre game speech, outliningeach players roles and what he expects from the team today. They've lost to this team before, but not today, PPR know they're the better team.
We see the various rituals of various players;
Jonny Richardson applies a generous amount talc to his more sweaty areas. Graham Jackson checks the players boots fastidiously for dirt/ Dan Gomme gets a semi Richard "Tricky" Desforges blow dries his hair while humming "Here comes the Bride". Alex Lloyd completes a quick cryptic crossword. Chris Hunter takes a picture of the opposition centre back out of his bag and cuts its eyes out.
We zoom in to see Tom Barnes' glorious face as his brow creases in concentrationand a smile creep onto his gorgeous mouth as he savours the anticipation of thegame.
EXT. Regents Park Pitch 9
We see PPR players talking to a man in a dirty football kit, a brief lesson on Regents Park and its booking procedure is being given before him and his friendsleave and the team assemble the nets and corner flags.
A montage of PPR's warm up shows the various drills uted by this well oiledteam, with Jacko barking orders, and his players abiding.
Meanwhile the opposition, The Brewery Tap, shuffle about aimlessly kicking a fewlong passes to each other.
After a simple, yet sexy team photo with every player beaming with pride, the teams both take to the field.
CUT TO.
17 mins.
Phil Allan rises to clear the ball and a vicious sound is heard as skulls collide.The difference in both mental and physical toughness is shown as Phil stays standing with a grimace, while the Tap player remains on the deck.
The game resumes and Priory dominate the game, with simple one touch passing ruling theflanks, its the final ball that is lacking, and striker Chris Hunter works with what he can to test the opposition physically.
CUT TO.
19 mins.
Against the run of play Brewery Tap break down on the left with their tricky winger,as he's through on goal we see in slow motion as Neil Murdock, PPR goalkeeper sprintsto meet the Tap player, as he spreads his arms we see a brief flash of a huge majestic owl superimposed onto him, unfurling his huge wings, just as soon as it appears, its goneand we see Neil's arm deflecting the ball wide.
PPR know they need to switch on. As the ball is retrieved we cut to several PPR players' faces as they steel themselves and prepare to take it up a notch. We also see Gomme has a semi again.
CUT TO.
21 mins.
In a near replay of the first Brewery Tap opportunity we see them break down the leftagain, this time with their big man up front "Crouchy".
The PPR back line step up.
PPR BACK LINE (In unison) He's off!
But the ref plays and Tap take the lead with a cheeky lob.
We cut to Tom Barnes on the side of the pitch, punching the palm of his hand in anger.
VARIOUS PLAYERS Heads up lads!
Straight back in!
It's still 0-0!
PPR kick off and again dominate proceedings with incisive passing, but not testing theclearly overweight, and clearly too short goal keeper.
CUT TO.
24 mins.
A looping cross is mis-hit by Brewery Tap and bounces off the crossbar, too close for comfort.
We see Tom Barnes along with PPR subs Tricky, Dave Goddard and James Flynn attempting to spur on their teammates from the sidelines.
CUT TO.
27 mins.
Another break down the right develops with Chris Hunter again beating his man, he whips in a cross and we see a balls-eye view as it careens across over a defenders head.
A boot flies out and connects and we see the oncoming net as a goal is scored.
We pull back to reveal the foot of the player on the floor, as we pan out we see.
Its an OG, the Brewery Tap defender put it in his own net but PPR care not - the game is back on!
As the players on the pitch reorganise to kick off again, we zoom into a pair of shifty eyes.We pull out to reveal a young lad of thirteen years old, he has the cocky swagger of anupstart who hasn't had the shit kicked out of him yet, possibly because he has a well hard older brother.
A whistle blows. Its half time.
CUT TO.
The PPR players take on fluids and listen to what needs to be address after the firsthalf.
When Chris Hunter realises his point isn't being heard he storms off.
CHRIS HUNTER No-one's fookin' listn'in!
Calm is restored and the team listen to what he has to say and ready themselves forthe second half.
CUT TO.
The same shifty eyes as before, its the youngster and he's approaching the cornerflag with his little scummy reprobate mates egging him on.
He lifts it in triumph and shows his peers.
DOLLY ZOOM TO.
James Flynn.
He stands with his head tilted down, a leer on his face as if he's amused by this hooligan trying to mess with PPR's sacred pitch. His hands are balled into fists by his side.
Suddenly he bolts after the young lad.
We see a steadycam shot from below the lads chest as we look up at his face full of fear as he sprints across the field looking back over his shoulder.
PIKEY TEEN Oh god oh god oh god please don't kill me...
We see the same shot of Flynn. That same leer on his face,showing no exertion whatsoever.
We see from Flynn's point of view as he catches up to the rapscallion and raises hisfist.
We pan down from the lad cowering in fear.
He wets himself.
CUT TO.
JAMES FLYNN You're not even worth it.
CUT TO.
Gomme has a full blown erection.
GRAHAM JACKSON Calm it down Gomme, son.
The game resumes with a montage showing injuries being sustained by Phil and Chris,with Tricky and Flynn coming on to join the battle.
CUT TO.
55 mins.
A free kick is won near the edge of the box. Its positioning on the left hand sidemeans Flynn steps up to take it.
We cut to the point of view of Danny Baker, who's in the left back position nowand has the perfect angle to watch as the ball sails perfectly in.
Baker turns and punches the air in exhilaration - PPR are back on top.
He turns back to see the team running to the sidelines, and immediately knows whatshappening. He lifts his shirt and presents a message on his undershirt in a similarvein to the rest of the team.
Get Well Billion Dollar Barnes.
We see a solitary man-tear roll down Barnes' face.
We get straight back to the action as PPR start to get into their stride.
CUT TO.
65 mins.
Jonny Richardson receives the ball and connects with it beautifully outside the area.
CUT TO.
75 mins.
Jonny again strikes the ball this time with his left and it arcs into the air.
CUT TO.
77 mins.
This time the camera zooms into Jonny's face and through his eye, we see his brain, neuronesand synapses and all that sparking as we follow one spark down through his body and out of his boot, into the ball and we follow it as it curls into the air.
CUT TO.
Three separate freeze frames of the ball in the air and Jonny with his foot outstretched.
They all play and the ball sinks into the net 3 times and we see 3 shots of Jonny's nonchalance, as if he knew he would do this all along.
The score 5-1, PPR start to relax and gaps start to emerge in the midfield as everyone wants a slice of the action.
CUT TO.
87 mins
One such counterattack ends in a one on one with the ball trickling towards the corner of the net.
We see over the shoulder of Danny Baker as he frantically batles with the Brewery winger to get to the ball.
Alas neither can and it trickles into the back of the net. Baker pounds the floor in frustration. He gets on his knees and looks to the sky as the camera pulls away into the heavens.
DANNY BAKER Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?????!!!!!!!
We hear a final whistle blow and PPR rejoice, they've got back to their winning ways in style, and while there was no clean sheet, the team are all smiles as they head back to changing rooms.
As the team walk away from the camera, they all jump off the ground, punching the air as we freeze frame.
And Gomme still has a semi.
FADE OUT...
CREDITS:
MoM: Jonny Richardson Sublime Hat-Trick DoD: Richard Desforges For getting married in secret/For getting married.
JR's hat-trick wasn't just any hat-trick. Each goal a candidate for goal of the season. Rifling the first home from outside the box. The second and third skilfully curled in with both his right and left from distance - leaving the keeper with no chance.
Not only did Tricky get married, gay! But he did so behind closed doors - not even inviting his PPR brethren to attend the ceremony in their matching blue tuxedos.
