Wowzers, 0-10.
The Cressall Panthers didn't have to venture far from their lair to notch up this record win, after a long delay to kick off due to some corner flags disappearing, the match eventually got underway at the Hellcats Nest.
'El Gatos Negros' really hit the ground running, exploded out of the blocks and when in Rome within 2 minutes when Mark 'Snoofta' Woolley netted home from a corner, which was beautifully delivered by Liam 'Fitzy' Fitzgerald, for his first goal in the Blue and Gold of the LA Galaxy Cressall Panthers.
The Alliance fans were fearing the worst as the 'Le Chats Noir' pushed forward, clearly not happy with just defending their lead. Good work down the right from Falmoa led to an array of chances for Platts and Higgs; who were making their first appearance since the claims in the Leicester Mercury over their private lives. A noticeable absentee was from Platts' partner, Georgina 'The Fanbase' Woolley, who has declined to make a statement over the allegations. A source said "She didn't want to come down because she thought it would rain". And rain it did, but not water droplets from the clouds; goals from the Panthers. The fans that did turn up, two home fan wags who were described by one onlooker as "rough as old boots", however, would have to wait until the floodgates opened.
A second goal finally came from an unlikely source, the head of Paul Falmoa, who usually has a skull shaped like a fifty pence piece. Winning the first (but by no means the last) header of his career, the leggy blonde nodded home another delicious corner from the boot of Fitzgerald. The warning signs had been there for The Alliance, but like when David Blunkett gets behind the wheel, they weren't seen.
The half time whistle, blown by the referee who was sporting cool shades, couldn't have come sooner for the home team and a jovial 'schwarze katzen' starting eleven were quickly brought crashing down to Earth like Snookie after being punched at Beachcombers bar and grill in smash hit TV show Jersey Shore. Team Manager Andrew 'A Danger G' Gange gave the lads a stern talking to and tinkered with the formation, reverting to the classic 4-4-2 favoured by most boring teams, like Tottenham in the 60's, 70's, 80's, 90's and present. This change by the special one however worked and the goals came like alcoholic beverages in Aspen - where the beer flows like wine.
'Il annerire dei gatti' made this game as one sided as gang rape with a blistering performance in the second 45. So many goals came in such a short space of time that it led one passer by to describe it as "the sporting equivelant of Bukkake".
Falmoa got the third with another headed corner, then Platts got two and later a third to complete his first Panthers hat trick. You could sense that the wingers, along with Platts, were desperate to get Higgs on the scoresheet, after the local- boy-come-good Trevlar had assisted already. That goal for Higgs came, and then others followed from Gabby-boy2, 'A Turd Nerve' Turner with a third for Falmoa sandwiched in the middle on the 78th minute, before making way for an extremely tanned John Shaw.
Man of the match went to Liam Fitzgerald for controlling the midfield, giving 110% week in week out, being a versatile player, but most relevantly, assisting so many of the 'czarne koty' goals. Hat tricks for Platts and Salmon were noted by an onlooking Capello, who would have had an eye on the news that Bobby Zamora will be out for upto 4 months.
